He's Here!

Birth of a miracle!

No more "email" updates on this blog, because Killian Dale has entered the world. Below you will find a LOOOOONG-ish entry about his arrival. Disclaimer: on occassion, I get graphic, so avoid if you are squeamish or wish to remain blissfully unaware of how childbirth may occur. Keep in mind this is my birthing story and therefore, not everyone's will be the same. I've broken the story into parts for you. Let us begin...

Pt. 1 – In Which I Learn of Impending Motherhood…

So, I believe that I reported in my last post (sorry it was so long ago, but I’ve been busy in my new role as “mommy/cow”), that an ultrasound ordered to check Killian’s position showed low amniotic fluid and I was due to have a second ultrasound a week later. I went in for the ultrasound, thinking I’d just get to see Kiddo’s sweet face again, but that was not the case. My fluid level had dropped once again. The UT was really sweet, but she did mention that it was at the threshold where the doctors typically try to deliver. Woah! Wait a minute! He’s not due for almost 3 weeks by normal standards (since most first time moms go a bit later than their due date). So he wasn’t just full up on fluid last week and needing to pee inside me is what you’re saying. You’re telling me that I may have to go to the hospital? I’m not even really packed! I have a check to drop off at the bank! My maternity leave sub is coming in today for a second day of observing how I work with students! I’m not ready for a baby!

The UT left the room to go call the doctors and ask what their thoughts were. I called Aaron and left a voicemail letting him know what was going on, not wanting to scare him, but yeah, I was pretty worked up. The UT returned and said that she hoped I didn’t have any big plans for the day because they were about to be trumped by this new development: the doctor’s wanted to deliver! Holy CRAP! You’re kidding me right? She wasn’t kidding. I asked when I needed to go to the hospital and she said, “well now honey.” “Not even time to stop by the bank fast to drop off this check?” (Yes, I asked that.) “You can make a quick stop at home to grab a few things, but they are already expecting you.”

I walked out of her room and started crying because I was so conflicted emotionally. I’ve been waiting for this! I’m not ready! He’s not ready! He’s fine in there, kicking like he’s supposed to and pressing on my bladder, peeing inside me, etc. I’m not packed! What do I pack? How soon will he be here? The receptionists were very caring and concerned, asking if I was ok to drive and everything. I said, “Yeah, I guess I’m just going to be a Mom sooner than I thought.” They sweetly wished me luck and I got on the phone to start calling people. I started with Aaron, who picked up this time and we made a plan to meet at the house to drive together. Then I called my administrator at school, my cousin Sara, my Mom, and my Dad, leaving voicemails where necessary.

By the time I got home, I had calmed down a bit, but was obviously still nervous. I was packing things I knew I likely wouldn’t need/use, but I really was in such a state of shock that I was blindly grabbing things. Thankfully, I still had my bag packed from Steph’s wedding, which was a good place to start. Next I knew, Aaron and I were grabbing the car seat and heading out the door. We valet parked (nicety for expectant mothers at our hospital) and headed up to the third floor.

Pt. 2 – “We’re Full Up on Preggos at the Moment!”

Now, Des Moines is currently experiencing a baby boom at Mercy Hospital. When we checked in, there were no labor/delivery suites available, so I had to take a bed in maternity triage to get started with the process of induction. I had to strip down to my nuddy pants, pee in a cup (I wonder what ever happened to that because by the time I left triage, it was still sitting in the bathroom; hope no one confused it as a small glass of apple juice), and sit on an incredibly uncomfortable bed while I answered numerous health questions. Let’s also bear in mind here people that outside of the occasional visit to see someone, the only extended period of time I can recall spending in a hospital was when I was a candy-striper in 7^th grade. Yep, that long ago!

Next came a nice lady to draw blood, GAG! I’m still sporting a hefty bruise from that one, but she was actually quite gentle. After the blood draw for labs and typing, Dr. Roose entered the room to talk about what was going to happen. Since my body wasn’t technically ready for Kiddo to arrive, we had to discuss how to get it ready and why. Apparently, not only was my fluid low, but my placenta was “showing signs of aging.” In other words, Big P was getting pretty tired of my being pregnant and was deciding that she may peace out a bit early. That’s not so good, so it was time to get this show on the road…as soon as there was a bed for me. I got my IV put in next, which was likely my least favorite part of this whole process. I think it sucked more than the labor pains and the epidural because I was fully aware of what was happening; at least with the other two, the pain was intense enough and I was running off so little sleep that I was slightly out-of-it. After the IV, I was graciously given an opportunity to eat. Now every class I took emphasized the importance of carbing-up for labor because it is like running a marathon. But honestly, I was so worked up that I could hardly think of attempting to eat. I ordered a breakfast combo thingy with eggs, cheese, ham, and hashbrowns all mixed together, a banana, and skim milk. Damn it! They brought me 2%, blech! While waiting for the food to arrive, Aaron uttered one of the more memorable funny comments during our hospital stay. I had monitors on to check for baby’s heart rate and contractions and Aaron mentioned that it looked like my belly had nipples because of how the monitor stuck out under my gown.

Pt. 3 – Induction 101, aka. Monitors, Monitors Everywhere

By the time I got into an LD suite (labor/delivery), it was almost noon. My ultrasound had been at 7:00am; both Aaron and I were pretty bored because nothing was happening and they wouldn’t induce me in triage. After I got into the room, they hooked me up to a contraction monitor, a heart monitor for Kiddo, a saline IV, and my first dose of meds to prevent transfer of GBS to Kiddo upon delivery. Technically, the first part of inducing me wasn’t even real induction because all it was supposed to do was “ripen” my cervix to get it ready to dilate. This process involved shoving a dry cotton ribbon “up there” so that it would get to working. The process of getting that cotton wad in was worse than my GBS culture, and you can look back a few posts to see how much I enjoyed THAT! It was like the door prize from Hell! The cervidil (cotton-wad hell) had to stay in for 12 hours and for the first 2-3, I wasn’t allowed to get up! Holy crap! How long is this going to take!

It was on cervidil that I encountered the horrible truth about these LD suites; not only does Dad have of suffer on a crappy futon, but Mom has to writhe in agony in the LD bed! Seriously, maybe 2 inches of padding on that thing and it was the kind of padding that doesn’t hold its shape well, so you’re basically laying on a sheet that is covering a metal plate! Needless to say, I did NOT enjoy the bed.

The cervidil was supposedly doing its work while I surfed through crappy TV. Aaron and I talked and we both realized that we didn’t have a baby book in which to record Killian’s foot prints! I told Aaron to go out and get one, since the boutique in the hospital was out of “little boy” baby books. Aaron also got us a few snacks, most of which I couldn’t have because I was only allowed fluids at this point. Aaron did his running and eventually came back with our book (I should start to work on that).

Now, the great part about the LD suite was actually the nurses! Every one of them (with the exception of one really) was so phenomenal and supportive. I appreciated them so much because I had to pee, a lot, and being hooked up to all the monitors, I couldn’t go by myself. They would have to come in, unhook the belly monitors (contractions and baby’s heart rate) and then help me move my IV bags or stand. Aaron’s second, perhaps most humorous comment came the first time I had to go pee. “How does it feel to be sitting on a puppy pad?” I understand why they make you sit on it, but it is slightly embarrassing to have to constantly sit on a “puppy pad” due to whatever fluids you may leak. LOL!

The first nurse I had was Kathy and she was so sweet and talkative. We actually started talking about clothing and discussed the beauty of Christopher and Banks after she learned about my weight loss prior to Kiddo. At the end of her shift, she actually came back to show me to outfit she had spoken about earlier! Since the bed hurt so much, I asked if there was something I could do about that and I was then introduced to “the chair.” Oh, I loved that chair. Interestingly, whether on cervidil or the pitocin that they started later, my contractions didn’t hurt as badly while sitting in the chair as they did while lying in bed. I even tried to sleep in that thing so that I wouldn’t have to endure the hip or back pain that lying in the bed gave me. Kathy helped me sit in the chair and get situated. Later on that night, my nurse was Doreen and she was another angel. When I decided to try to sleep in the bed, she was so wonderful. She propped pillows around me and tucked me in like I was a little kid myself. I think that’s when it may have hit me that this was really it; I don’t get to be a “kid” really ever again. It didn’t hit in a bad way, just a very real way. It was Doreen who pulled the cervidil out for me and started me on pitocin to try to get contractions going.

By midmorning of day 2 in the hospital, I finally asked my newest nurse, Michelle, how things were progressing, since I wasn’t feeling much change. She said my pitocin was almost maxed out and because of my lack of pain, I wasn’t likely progressing. I asked what that meant for the day ahead. She said that we would have to begin discussing options soon. Yikes! Doesn’t that sound scary? I immediately thought “C-section.” (Yes, that was an option, but I guess there is a drug stronger than pitocin that can also be used, so that was another option.) I called Aaron to update him, since I sent him home to shower and take care of the kitty and guinea pig, leaving him a voicemail. I was given a chance to eat again, taken off the belly monitors, and then was introduced to the WONDERS of the whirlpool tub. I was going to take a shower, but I am so glad I opted for the bath. It was AH-MAZING! I told Aaron that if we didn’t have one by the time we retire, I would consider our lives a failure.

Soon after my bath, Dr. Roose came in again and asked to check me. I’d been checked earlier in the morning and wasn’t dilated at all, but this time, Dr. Roose said that I had progressed enough to have my bag of waters broken. Wow! She asked if I wanted her to do that. I was startled that she asked, so I said, “Do we want to do that?” Michelle said, “If your goal is to have a baby…” I laughed and said ok. NOW, I fully understand the “puppy pad” because I felt like I was peeing on myself. Before she left, Dr. Roose also confirmed that I was now able to, at whatever point I chose, receive pain meds.  I was given a chance to walk around a bit because it would a) be the last chance I had for a while and b) I would go back on pitocin in about half an hour. Aaron and I wandered the floor together for about 15 minutes or so, contemplating what all this meant and the change that was now imminent in our lives.

Pt. 4 – Let’s Talk Pain for a Moment, Shall We?

Aaron and I had been to all of our prenatal classes and in one, the instructor said that your risk of complications due to epidurals are reduced after dilating to 5 cm. Thus, Aaron and I planned to have me wait that long, though I did talk to him and mention that, as I don’t normally take drugs for anything, I needed him to trust me and not ask me to wait if I was begging for drugs prior to the epidural. We had both agreed that narcotics, which can cause some issues in Kiddos and wear off, decreasing their effectiveness with each dose, were not an option.

Once our walk was over, I was pretty much sentenced to bed/chair time as they started the pitocin once again. I was worried that since it hadn’t worked before, would it work this time? Uff-freakin-dah! You bet your booty it did. I think the pitocin started around 1:00pm and I seriously started to feel some pains. I was able to breathe through them and watch TV, but I think it was somewhere around 5:00 or 6:00 that I was definitely feeling the onset of “agony.” I kept thinking, “if this is only stage one of labor, how in the hell can I make it through two more stages just by breathing?” I was so worried too, because I didn’t want to have to break my plan of waiting until 5 cm for the epidural. I was terrified that Aaron would think I was a wimp, that I was giving up.

My nurse (probably my least favorite, but still sweet) Andrea, came in to see him writhing in the chair. Each contraction I had made me breathe hard and deep and I felt like the only way I could make it through them was to move somehow (no walking allowed though). Andrea asked if I wanted something in my IV. I gritted my teeth and asked if that was a narcotic. She confirmed that yes, it was, but I shook my head no. “My birth plan SAYS “no narcotics” on it,” I wanted to scream! I looked at Aaron and I can only imagine that my look was pitiful. Again, I didn’t want to wimp-out and disappoint him or introduce unnecessary risk to Kiddo. People survive this everyday without meds right? I asked Andrea if the epidural was an option because, despite her assurances that they wouldn’t cause any harm to Kiddo, I didn’t want narcotics, but was in enough pain to be senseless and say yes if she kept asking. She said it was and I said, “Let’s do it.” I was moved back to the bed then, Andrea made the call, and she started prepping for the anesthesiologist’s arrival.

Within about 10 minutes, Dr. Kitterman showed up. I was happy to see him, but again, concerned about this process. I had to sit up and Andrea told me to push my lower back out as far as I could. Now, this is a confusing command. I guess I needed explained to me what my “lower back” was, because I kept arching my back. I thought the epidural went in lower than it does, so I was pushing my booty out instead of rounding over the way he needed it. I knew it was hurt to get, but I knew that relief was on the other side of the pain. Unfortunately, due to my booty tooching as Tyra Banks would say, it took him a few tries more than I would have liked; 5 tries by my count, but I was delirious. He did actually get it in once, but then my ears started ringing and my lips went numb, meaning that he had pushed just a bit too far and hit a blood vessel (powerful stuff if within 2-3 seconds that effect occurred). The sensation of the epidural was obviously one of a needle, but then there was this weird clicking feeling and sound that I’m not sure I understand, though I don’t think it is necessary to do so. The hardest part of the epidural process was not the pain from Dr. Kitterman, but of being rounded over my contracting belly. Oh, that was some serious pain. And, I enjoyed moving to help the contractions go away and obviously, you can’t do that while the doc is working in such a sensitive space as your spine. I was trying to hold still, but I was shaking my head which was also forbidden. I kept apologizing profusely for moving and for saying “ow” with each stick in my back. I was nearly in tears now for the pain and again, I would say I wasn’t exactly in full control of my faculties. Andrea was helping bend me over the right way and Aaron was right there with me the whole time and eventually, Dr. Kitterman was successful.

Once the epidural was in, I was positioned in bed to let it go to work. I had to have a catheter because once it kicked in, I wouldn’t be able to tell if I had to pee or not. I had another nurse now, Monica, who was by far my favorite. Once the epidural started, WHAM, I was nearly beaten to death by the sand man. I politely told everyone that I was going to sleep now and sprinted to slumber (no nodding off for me). Monica had chuckled and said it was a good idea. She checked me for dilation and I am proud to report that she said I was about a 4 or 5. I’ll say I was a 5, so I made my goal of waiting that long.

The downside to the epidural was that it did make me a bit shakey, like I was cold. Come to think of it, that may have been a different med altogether. The epidural did make me itchy though, but not until much later. One of the benefits of the epidural, aside from the obvious pain relief, was that the bed which had been my purgatory no longer sucked! I woke up a few times to be checked on or have my IV fluids adjusted/changed. I did have to call the nurse at one point because I felt like my right side was starting to “wake up” a bit, not really painful, but I could feel it, where as my left side was essentially dead weight. I had to be repositioned to balance the epidural meds out and I could still feel a bit on the right and maintained some control there, but my left side was definitely down for the count.

At one point, Monica mentioned that she loved that I had written “labor down” on my birth plan. Laboring down, as an FYI, means that when you are fully dilated to 10 cm, you wait, because Kiddo isn’t necessarily “right there” and ready to come out just yet. Laboring down allows you body to continue contracting and pushing the baby down the birth canal without you having to do any work. Laboring down really worked for me. I couldn’t feel much of anything, so I couldn’t tell you if it hurts or not. I was allowed to rest up for the big push to come, which was amazing. Monica checked at one point to see that I was 10 cm, then we waited for about an hour to an hour and a half. I did notice that I was starting to feel a little pressure down south. When she next checked she said, “Baby’s head is right there; do you want to try to push?”

Pt. 5 – Welcome to the World Little Angel!

Obviously, I’ve never pushed a baby into the world before. I was a bit concerned about pushing with an epidural. Monica said it would likely take a few hours of pushing to get Kiddo out. Being numb, she had to direct me when I was having a contraction. I was told to breathe in, grab the backs of my legs and curl up, and push hard for 10 seconds and then lather, rinse, repeat twice more each contraction. So, during a contraction, I had a cycle of three pushes that, when added together, equaled one big push. I gave it a shot and hoped I was doing it right.

Monica said she was quite surprised, that I was an excellent pusher. When pushing, it is like taking two steps forward and one step back each time, so the first push of the cycle puts baby where he was at the end of the last cycle and the second and third pushes are what really does the work. I have never pushed so hard in my life. I understand why my mother broken a blood vessel in her eye while giving birth to me! I kept my eyes closed as and forced as much energy as I could into each push.

At one point, Aaron was told to help hold my right leg for me and he also became my counter. I remember telling him I thought he was counting too slowly. Poor guy! He had wanted to be a “north side of the table” birthing partner. As he said it, “I’m farther south than I thought I’d be; I’m like at the equator.” I told him to just look at me, but he said that it was hard not to look.

Daddy side note: I am so proud that he was right there, didn’t pass out, and stuck by me. I could not have asked for a better birth partner than Aaron. He was SO supportive, full of encouragement and kind words, helping me through being nearly bed-ridden by getting me fluids and ice, helping me in and out of the bathtub, using a wet washcloth on my head for comfort, those horrid contractions, the epidural, everything. He never left my side once when the real deal was happening. He is such a great man, a pillar of strength, and now he is the most amazing father and so supportive of when I need a break.

A few times, I kind of gave up or my energy gave out on the final push of the cycle, but it didn’t matter. Within about 7-8 of those push cycles, Monica had called for the doctor (now Dr. Booth). She watched me push a couple of times, then got all her gear on. She ever had a face shield!  I think, in the grand scheme of things and though I lost actual count, I pushed about 12-15 of those cycles total, about 40 minutes overall because I didn’t push every contraction (Monica was feeling my belly rather than relying on the monitor which kept moving).

I was asked if I wanted to see because they could see a little hair, but I said no; I was too worried about what else I would see in that mirror. Funny enough, I was concerned about my “modesty” until I knew he was coming. There were a total of four people in the room if you don’t include Aaron, Killian, and myself: Dr. Booth, Monica, and two other nurses. Modesty, shmodesty; it all goes away when the world is invited to stare at your hoo-hoo! (A note about modesty: I practically answered the door in my nursing bra and PJ pants earlier today when the florist delivered a bouquet of flowers from school. At least I managed to grab a robe before I opened the door and showed the neighbors and delivery guy my engorged Dairy Queens! LOL!)

Suddenly, I heard Aaron say, “Oh baby look!” and I opened my eyes to see Killian Dale Robinson being placed on my chest. I’d had no idea how close he’d been because Dr. Booth never said anything! I thought they would have me push this head out and then push the rest of him out. I remember thinking he must have flopped out like a slippery fish because it was over so fast! Hello Kiddo! Killian Dale entered the world at 11:08pm 9/8/11 weighing 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and being 19 inches long. APGARs of 8 and 8! What a peanut! I guess I didn’t need to worry about having a big baby. He came out at just the perfect size.

I just stared in wonder. I didn’t cry, though thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes! It was the most beautiful thing in the world, seeing my son for the first time, hearing his precious cry (which yes, is still precious, though it will sour my mood someday I’m sure). I just kept saying, “Hi” over and over again, looking him over and touching his tiny face and hands. There are simply no words for how powerful the connection was immediately, how full my heart was the moment his eyes opened and met mine. I still can’t put words to the feelings. It simply rendered me speechless (a feat in itself, I know).

They took him to check him out and I could have cared less what was going on down south. I had no idea that I’d already birthed the placenta and only marginally heard Dr. Booth say that she was going to repair the tear I had. Monica had to do some “fundal massage” to make sure that my uterus was still contracting to help stop the blood flow. It was uncomfortable because she had to push right on/in my belly button and again, it felt like I was peeing on myself as any excess fluid left my body.

They brought Killian over and I did attempt to nurse him. Aaron and I made the decision to send him to the nursery one night to make sure that we could both get some much needed rest. I felt a bit guilty, but it was a great idea in the end. I kissed my sweet angel goodnight and then he was whisked away. The nursery supplemented him through the night, which I was conflicted about, but that’s a story for another time.

Remember “No Room in the Inn” from day 1 in the hospital? Well, the problem still hadn’t been solved by the time Killian was delivered. At first, we were supposed to just stay in the LD suite with a different bed for me (thank GOD). Then Monica, the Angel of a Nurse, managed to get us a bed back in the triage area. A REAL bed. The IV meds were stopped and the epidural and catheter were removed. Funny story about that epidural removal. I thought it would hurt and it didn’t, but MAN, the tape they used to keep that sucker in place…I thought that I’d just had my entire back waxed! The tape was essentially 2 giant sticky sheets, like fly paper only with the adhesive quality of rubber cement. I was helped to a gurney (since my left side was still dopey from the epidural) and wheeled to our suite.

I was being checked constantly through the night and Aaron still didn’t get much sleep because we were not told that his “chair” folded out and there were no cots available in the entire hospital. The epidural took a while to wear off, so Killian being in the nursery was a great plan because I wouldn’t have been able to walk to get him. We did keep him in our room for our second night in the hospital and it was a bit of a trial, but we made it through. Though I wouldn’t have minded more time to learn about him with trained staff nearby to offer advice, instruction, and support, I was SOOOOO ready to go home after nearly four days in the hospital. The craziness of home couldn’t compete with the comfort it offered.

There is much, much more to the story. Visits from family, the Volkswagen sized “peri-pads” or “pink products and mesh undies, getting through a night with Kiddo and trying to breast feed, the lack of attention from staff due to never being moved to a postpartum suite (though the triage people were great and tried the best they could, but were not used to working with postpartum families), the strong desire for more education and wondering if they owner’s manual for my child was tossed out with the placenta, worrying about his care, getting peed on, going home and the terror of the first night, nights that got a little better, hormones WAY outta-whack, no peeing - too much peeing, supplementing which feels like failure, the perfect doctor’s visit, getting the hang of diapers and caring for his little wounded pee stick (circumcision can’t be fun), pumping and nursing, and great people who offer great advice when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, being home with him alone, learning the date of the end of maternity leave, emotions on overdrive, etc, etc, yada, yada.

I will relay all of these tales at a later time. For now, I hear my Kiddo moving around in the other room and know that he will likely either want to nurse, poop and cry through the change, pee on himself (and me) or just be cuddled and snuggled (my FAVORITE). Maybe even all of the above! Tonight we have a “real” bath on deck since he’s bathed himself with pee TWICE today.

By the way, the list of nicknames is already growing. I think most of them are mine, but here is a sampling for your pleasure: Kiddo, Baby Boy (Dad's nickname), Bright Eyes, Peanut, Mr. Man or Little Man, Monkey Man, Little Old Man, Mr. Grumpy Gills (when I change him), Sweetie, Angel, Bubba (Gump), Precious (not said in a creepy Gollum voice), Killian Dale (hard not to say both when I love them both), Beetle Bug (from Granny Joan), Cuddle Bug, Kidlet, Punkin (Pie)…the list continues to grow!

Until next time…love from the slightly larger and cooler Robinson Clan! (I will post pictures later as well).