Pictures of Cute

Let's start this post with a picture of Killian's first day at "school."

Yes, he's throwing gang signs. In Danielle's words, "Yo, homie, watchu lookin' at? Let's do this...get my azz to daycare, bioooootch!" Sounds about right...

Thanks to Aunt Sara for the "costume" and to Austin Powers for inspiring my son to throw up a "Dr. Evil finger."

His first day...

Yesterday, at 6:20, I began to bawl my eyes out as I took Killian to "school" (aka. day care) for the first time. I start back to work tomorrow, but I had to go to the doctor for my "yep you can go back to work" check-up yesterday and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that having him start at day care a day or two early would be a good idea. One, it will help me get accustomed to a new morning routine that involves clothes OTHER than my pajamas and going back to bed. Two, I need to get used to him not being constantly around me, get the tears out a bit now so I'm not such a sobbing mass when I go back to work. Three, it will help him get acclimated to the people and the environment a bit. And four, if there are any major issues I can hopefully get them worked out in the first few days while I have time to do so, like buying him more clothes or diapers to keep there or going in to feed him a bottle if he won't take it from them.

I cried the whole way there! It was awful. When I pulled up to the place, the lights were all off! OMG! I thought they opened at 6:30am! Well, they do, but I was a couple of minutes early. Then, when I went in, his classroom was completely dark! Where was his teacher? I tracked down the lady I'd seen unlock the door (just the next room over) and introduced myself and Killian, saying we were starting today. It turns out that Killian's teacher doesn't get in until 7:30, but they have one staff member come in at 6:30, then another at 7:00. I both understand and am frustrated by this. Killian is so little, I don't want him to be around SO MANY kids and potentially get all of their germs! I do get it though, that with costs being what they are, they can't afford to have EVERY staff member come in right at 6:30. Still, it's a bit of a grrrr situation.

After I left him with the three-year-old teacher and other kiddos, I cried the whole way to school. I didn't have to go in, but I did need to pick up some papers that I was being given by my sub. I stayed at FP for over an hour, just kind chatting with folks and getting hugs for the pitiful expression I must have had on my face. After FP, I ran to Target to pick up a humidified because it seems that Killian is developing the cold that both Aaron and I have had and we can't give him anything for it. On the way to Target, I called the day care to talk to his teacher to see if she found the note I'd left and had any questions for me. She was so sweet and totally put my mind at ease. I came home for a bit then, pumped and watched some TV before running out to West DSM for my doctor's appointment. Everything looked good and we got this cute little shirt for Killian that says, "I got my first hug from Dr. Booth." Dr. Booth delivered Killian. I guess every family gets one, but it was super cute and something I'll keep for him forever (along with every other item of too-cute-to-get-rid-of clothing). The best news was the doctor told me I was ok to start freezing milk again. THANK THE LORD!

After the doctor, I ran to HR to drop of my paperwork saying I'd been cleared to return to work and then tried to drive across town to see how long it would take me to get from FP to the day care. I stopped to get the batteries in my watch replaced (finally) and drop off my prescriptions at the pharmacy. As soon as I got home, I started dumping milk into my freezer bags. I made seven (that's right, 7!) of them and the fridge no longer looks like the place pumped milk goes to die (ie. a graveyard of milk bottles).

I piked up the house a bit, did a load of laundry and a load of diapers, and chilled until I just couldn't stand it anymore and I drove back to school to pick up my little boy. He was wide awake, gripping a set of those linking rings, and in his teacher's arms when I walked in. I started to cry again as I took him from Tonya (his teacher). She said he had a great day! He did have a diaper leak on his clothes, but he ate well and at almost exactly 3.0 hours intervals, had three naps (2x45 minutes and 1 for an hour) and had done a great job. His other teacher Katie said, "He's my little buddy! I need a nickname for him!" I was so happy to hear that. He fell asleep on my shoulder while I talked with his teachers for 20 minutes or so, then we went home. He fussed a bit, but I held him, cuddled him, and let his sleep on the boppy on my lap until he was hungry again. Oh, I love my little man SOOOOOOOOOO much and I'm so glad he did so well.

This morning, although I was a bit more at ease, it was still very hard to leave him, but I know he's going to be well looked after and that by 4:00pm, I'll see him again. I'm planning to spend this last day home taking care of some of my needs. I'm getting my hair done and potentially buying myself some new jeans, since all of mine look like clown pants for the most part. TTFN readers!

Tomorrow's the Big Day...

Ok, I am both looking forward to and near in tears about tomorrow. My baby boy will start at day care tomorrow. I will be staying home (or doing a LOT of running around) while he goes. Aaron and I made the decision to start him a few days early for a few reasons. One, I have my post-natal check-up tomorrow and it will be easier to go to the doctor without Killian potentially screaming or needing to nurse while there. Two, I have a few days until I start work again, so if there are any issues, I should be able to help deal with them. And three, Momma is going to need to get used to having someone else take care of her little boy.

That's the part that I think will tear me up the most. I know that Aaron and I have chosen a great day care and that these people know what they are doing. He will be in great hands. The thing is, those hands aren't mine. I feel he's safest in my hands (control-freak Momma talking). For as frustrating as being a new mom has been, I wouldn't have it any other way (ok, maybe a bit easier, but you get the idea). Killian is the light of my days, and on occasion my nights, LOL! I'm not sure I remember what to do when my life isn't dominated by a nurse-change-nurse-rock/sleep cycle that repeats every three hours or so. Some days have been harder than others, some days I was in tears, got pooped/peed/puked on (like this morning), but I still had this precious little angel in my arms! What do I do when someone else is in charge and, even more alarmingly, he's not even here? When Aaron is taking care of him, or a friend/family member is holding him, I'm still around to help. Tomorrow and Thursday, I can GO help, but on Friday, time's up! I'll be at work again and that's that! Oh man, my eyes are welling with tears as I type thinking about it.

I'm preparing this "introduction to Killian" sheet for daycare, to try to pass on what I know about his habits and needs, but I feel like I'm still learning them. What can I say? Keep him upright after feedings so you don't get the milk-explosion of all milk-explosions. Don't forget to treat his thrush please. He likes nature noises to help fall asleep, which he CONSTANTLY is fighting. He loves to be held. He takes a break while nursing/eating, usually to poop, so don't change him immediately unless you want to do it again a few minutes later. I feel like I'm writing his how-to guide, but I can't put into words how special he is, how precious his little fingers and toes are, how if you watch closely he smiles when he's going to sleep in your arms. My baby is so special to me, but he's about to go to "school" with other babies who are special to their parents too. My little boy won't be any more special than those other babies to his care givers. I guess I will just have to spoil him when I pick him up.

The benefits of Killian going to day care is that perhaps, it will create a bit more of a schedule. I'm sure I'll be exhausted this first month or so, getting both he and I on the schedule, but hey, in a month it will be almost Thanksgiving Break and I can sleep it off then, right? I will be able to return to the world of social interaction as well as mental stimulation. I'll have conversations consisting of more than long vowel sounds, too.

I think he knows something's up too. Momma's been pretty emotional this whole time we've been together, but toward the end of last week it hit pretty hard that our time together was limited. The past two mornings, he's thrown up quite a bit. Now, it's likely something in my diet or the Nystatin upsetting his tummy, but part of me wonders if he's picking up on my anxiety or somehow finding ways to cuddle with me more (via needing to nurse after he empties his belly onto my shoulder, the bed, and the floor). I know he's not old enough to "manipulate" things yet, but still, I wonder...

I have to plan my next two days carefully so that I am both busy and well-rested. Here are some sample agenda items for Wednesday and Thursday: go to doctor, try on clothes to determine which are too large to be considered a part of my wardrobe, use Kohl's giftcard from birthday sparingly to purchase a few replacement items, stop by Motherhood for nursing materials, sterilize all bottles and pump parts, vacuum (oh man does it need done and am I excited! That's not sarcasm, I <3 vacuuming!), organize our file drawers and safe, replace batteries in dead watch, buy more ring "snuggers," try not to obsess over my child, print a few pictures to take to work and buy a frame, read something not Berenstain Bears (ie. my Private series conclusion, finish Malice, and start Power of Six), wash our diapers and contemplate buying another Flip system for home/day care, get hair done on Thursday, attempt to go in to work to get the torch passed back to me for Friday, PUMP PUMP PUMP to maintain my supply! I think that should be enough to fill one day I guess. What will I do on Thursday then (other than my hair and work...)???

Hasta luego from this stressed and saddened Mommy...

1 Month Officially and Photos to Boot!

Killian is officially, by calendar date, one month old today. Below are the pictures we had taken at Sears (and yes, we purchased the full rights to them). They really turned out well!

1 Month Later...

Hard to believe that if you aren't looking directly at the calendar date (cuz he was born on the 8th, not the 6th), Killian arrived in ours lives 1 month ago! Here is a list of the ways in which my life has been altered, arguably, for the better:

1. Taking time out - I have learned how important that it is for me to stop and enjoy things. Killian consumes so much of my time that early on, I didn't know how to enjoy my hobbies or watch my TV shows much any more. Thankfully, I am either catching up on sleep or getting used to less of it and therefore, I am able to get in a nap and then go about my own business while he naps or swings or bounces. I am also glad that having Kiddo around doesn't mean we've lost touch with the people we care about. Just last weekend, Stephanie, Kevin, and Anthony came over to play games and they graciously continued to play while I nursed, but kept me involved as well. I get phone calls frequently from other friends and family, and nearly each week, we've had someone stop by to see us. Who am I kidding? They come for the baby and I know it! :)

2. Weight - They weren't kidding when they talked about how great breastfeeding is for weight loss. It was hard in the beginning and we are currently dealing with what I believe is a growth spurt at the moment, so I am nearly attached to him by the boob, but I have lost all of the pregnancy weight, plus 5-10 more, depending on how I weigh myself. We are dealing with thrush right now as well, which appears to be on the mend, but we have a lot of meds left, so we're going to take them all. That means I can pump milk, but can't freeze it, which is frustrating, but I'll live. My appetite is slowly returning as well. I managed to eat three pieces of greasy Casey's pizza when Stephanie and Kevin visited last night, and two slices of cheesy bread, which is amazing!

3. Type A-ness - Gradually, I am letting go of some of my need to control everything. I am still coming to terms with the fact that my schedule is no longer my own. I am actually looking forward to returning to work because I feel that work and daycare will bring back some semblance of a schedule to my life. Work will also bring the return of intellectual stimulation as well, as my students and colleagues will challenge me to think in ways that Killian isn't able to yet. I can't wait until he can talk though, seriously! I know that going back to work and letting someone other than Aaron or me take care of Killian will be hard, but I am also embracing it as a chance to return to a more "normal" life. We will have to be separated at some point... :(

4. Aaron - I always knew he would be a great dad, but seeing it in action is so stunning! I think he may actually be the better parent. I tend to be riddled with anxiety about "is he eating enough?" "why is he crying?" "is he sick?" and so on. Aaron is comfortable letting Killian have a little cry to try to let him soothe himself before he sweeps in. Now, when Momma is trying to rest, it's hard to hear the sadness of my baby boy, but Aaron always has it under control. I have come to realize just how lucky I am that Aaron is my partner in life and crime. He never hesitates to give me a break or let me sleep to get ready for the night. If anything, I worry that he is overwhelmed with work AND Killian, but he never seems phased really. Aaron gives Killian a bottle each night, and I love watching the two of them cuddle. I seriously didn't think I could love Aaron more than I did before Killian, but I know that I couldn't do this without him and my love, respect, and appreciation are so much deeper now that we have a child together. YLI Querido Mio!

5. Cuddle-time - Is there anything sweeter than this little boy? Even when he's screaming or fussy? I think not. Killian is the light of my life. No matter how overwhelmed I feel by the fact that I am his Mommy and that he relies on me so fully, I don't think I was ever meant for a greater purpose. His growth spurt has made him pretty restless, but with that restlessness has come these great cuddle moments when I can just hold him in my arms, lay him on my chest, or cuddle him on the Boppy (great invention that, by the way; invest in it all you mothers-to-be). Sometimes, we just look at each other. I talk to him, not usually saying ANYTHING important or even really telling a story, just repeating that he's my little boy, he's safe and loved and perfect in my eyes. When I move around the room, his eyes try to follow me now. When I cuddle him on my chest, he moves his head so he can see me? There is such a bond that I can't begin to describe between us. I never, ever want him to lose faith in his Momma because she loves him so very deeply. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this little boy in my life! How did God choose me for this? What was He thinking? Haha!

I was going to try to post some pictures, but I hear Kiddo calling for his next meal in the bedroom, so I'd better run. I'll try to post a few images in the next few days. He's growing so much. We are having his 1 month photos taken on Saturday (wish us luck that I have them timed just right).