Christmas with the Robinsons!

Merry Christmas everyone! It's been a big year for us! About this time last year, I was pregnant and didn't know it and this year, Aaron and I get to celebrate with our beautiful baby boy Killian, who will soon be 4 big months old (January 8th)!

Killian's teacher at daycare got all of the babies in the room gifts for Christmas. I was lucky enough to get one too! Killian got a Tigger rattle and a bib that says "I don't have an inside voice." Aaron cackled at that. "It's like she knows your side of the family," he said. I didn't speak to him for 5 whole minutes after that (that's a lie; I can't keep quiet that long and he knows it). We got a card from Tanya and our gift was a foam snowflake deocrated with a picture of Killian in a Santa hat and, wait for it, SMILING while on his tummy! Here are some shots of Killian's room at daycare and how they decorated for the holiday. Also, one shot of Killian as he went to daycare on Friday for the holiday:

A fireplace with Christmas stockings. Killian's is the Santa one on the left and his best buddy Jake's is the Santa one on the right.

The Christmas tree. It's hard to see, but all of the infants' names are written on it.

Right by Killian and Jake's cribs!

The little Gingerman above Killian's bag hook.

The door to Killian's room, complete with all of the kiddos' names.

Cheesey baby! His onesie says "Mom and Dad say I'm Santa's favorite!"

"Momma, you'll pick me up soon, right? How can you resist me?"

So, what is Christmas like now that Killian has arrived? Well, to start, Aaron and I don't really celebrate. We don't really get one another gifts or put up a tree. Last year we baked Christmas goodies to plate up and give to people, but that was hard to do this year with a little one who likes to be the center of attention. If Aaron and I do get gifts, we usually decide to buy something together that we can both enjoy. With Killian here though, he's all the gift we need this year.

We will be receiving guests in the form of Grandma and Grandpa Lehs likely early in the week if Great Grandma Schabacker's health holds out. Then, on the 8th of January, we'll all travel north (weather permitting) to visit with the Johnson side of my family, most of whom I haven't seen since we got married over two years ago. It will be nice to only travel to one Christmas this year. For many years, I've felt like a virtual ping-pong ball, rushing from each celebration to the next, trying desperately not to miss any or hurt someone's feelings by arriving late or not at all. I'd celebrate with my Mom, then with Mom's side of the family, then with my Dad, then Dad's side of the family, then with Shelly's side of the family, then just Aaron and I. There were times that there were 1-2 more celebrations to attend, depending on how the family managed to arrange visits. It was A LOT of stress actually. I hate to say it, but Christmas was more of a stress factor than fun. Now that Killian is here, I've decided that we can travel to ONE Christmas each year and I refuse to feel guilty about missing the others. Easier said than done because it is killing me to not be opening gifts with Kira and Trey right now.

This Christmas Eve, baby boy went to sleep in new PJs last night at about 7:30. Unfortunately, he has stopped his "once nightly" feeding to opt for two lately, so Momma was up with him at 12:00 and 3:30, then again at his normal 5:30. At about 9:30 this morning, after his big breakfast, we opened a few gifts with him. Momma and Daddy bought him his PJs, a rattle that looks like a hammer, and some soft ABC blocks. His Great Aunt Julie and Great Uncle Gene sent him $20, so Aaron and I got him a couple of extra gifts from them: a little music player with lights, finger puppets, a sleepytime CD, and a cool rattle. I'm sure he'll get some goodies from his grandparents when they come to visit this week and perhaps a little something from Grandma and Grandpa Johnson, Aunt Kira, and Uncle Trey when we visit them on the 8th.

New Christmas PJs at bedtime.

Hi Mom!

Talking and preparing to munch on his hands/thumb. Not exactly the sleepy baby Momma was hoping for.

What are we thinking about traditions in the coming years? Well, Aaron and I have been giving a lot of thought to what Christmas with Lil K should be like. This year, we kind of get a freebie since he's little enough that he doesn't really get it, so still no tree, though I think we'll have one next year since he seems to like pretty colors and flashing lights (I've caught him staring at the TV far more than I'd like as of late). So, our traditions that we've decided are as follows:

• Each year, he will get a Hallmark Christmas ornament. Grandma Lehs got him one this year.
• Each year, we will get him a new pair of PJs (maybe us too). He will get to open these and wear them on Christmas Eve.
• Each year, we will wrap up 24 Christmas/Holiday stories and open one each night in December. On the 24th, we will open up "The Night Before Christmas" and read it while we are all wrapped up in our jammies! Perhaps we'll all fall asleep to a holiday movie in front of the fire too.
• We've started purchasing the books for next year and are up to about 12-13 so far. This will be a fun tradition because we can always change out some of the books because they are always writing new stories or new versions of the old classics.
• On the 25th, we will open gifts in the morning. Santa may bring him a gift or two (we haven't decided on Mr. Claus yet), but Mommy and Daddy will likely only be getting him one or two things, not to exceed $100 ever and the remainder of the money not spent will go into savings while he is young and can always be but on a gift card for him to use when he is older.

Why such a plan? Well, I'm Type A, duh! Also, we want to avoid spoiling Killian too much. If it ends up that he's our only little angel, it would be easy to spoil him. Aaron and I were both only children and while I don't know that I'd call us spoiled, we both knew how to get what we wanted and often got more than was necessary. If we ever decide to have another baby, these traditions would be easy to keep and make for something fun while practical. I can see us sitting in our living room when Killian is 20, doing the exact same thing. I think I've found that as I've grown older, I crave tradition and stability. I desire for there to be a routine and some level of predictability. I want to know where we are going, what we are doing, and when it will happen. Maybe that makes me boring, but it's something that I want for Killian as he grows.

Here is baby boy Christmas morning!

Smiley baby! His outfit says "For Santa, not Daddy!"

Having a chat!

"Mom, where are the presents you promised?"

I'll see if I can get some pictures of his new toys up a bit later. Merry Christmas everyone!

3 Big Months

Wow! My little boy is three months old! That's hard to believe for me. The past three months have been marked by numerous changes in my life. I've grown so much as my little man continues to teach me how to prioritize things to make the most of the important moments.

On Saturday (yesterday), we went to Portrait Innovations to get some pictures taken to commemorate baby boy's growth and development. The place was a MAD HOUSE, but shockingly, we got in and out in about an hour and the pictures were ready for pick-up about 30 minutes later! He got a little grouchy, but overall did SO GREAT! I'll include a few of the photos below.

I am continually surprised by his growth. He talks SO MUCH now (just like his Momma) and is developing quite a range of coos, oohs, and ahhs! He grumps still, but usually just when it's important. We are down to about one nightly feeding, and usually only after he's slept for 5-6 hours straight. On a whim, while watching my niece Evy, we tried putting him to sleep in his crib and he did so well, we're going to try to keep it up. Now, I just have to find places to stick all of the things I had been storing in it.

Anywho, this is a short post because Kiddo is kicking himself crazy in the jumperoo and I should probably check on him. We are looking forward to our first Des Moines Christmas in a few weeks and starting some of our own family traditions.

Here are some photos, as promised!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving! Here is what I am thankful for:

• My parents, Joan, Tim, Rick, Shelly, and Jack. I have received so much love and support from these great people that I can never express enough gratitude. They have shaped the person I am today and continue to provide wonderful opportunities to learn and grow.
• My brother and sister. I don't get to see them nearly as often as I wish or talk nearly as often as we should, but I can't imagine many people that I love more than Kira and Trey.
• My extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and honorary family members, all over the U.S. I love them so dearly.
• My friends. They are too numerous to list and I am so thankful that no matter how many miles separate us, I am still able to connect with them when it is most important as though no time has passed at all.
• My home that I am lucky enough to own.
• My job that I do actually love, despite gripings that suggest otherwise.
• My boss who seriously rocks and colleagues who genuinely care about students.
• Netflix and DVR which allow me to stay up to day and/or catch up on things I've missed.
• Books. I love to read! I am thankful that I am able to read, though I do not have nearly enough time and energy to read everything I want.
• Money. I have just enough to do what I need to do and on occasion, do something a bit more.
• My brain and body. I am happy that they work (most days), are healthy, and that they enable me to do great things when I really set my mind to it.
• My amazing husband Aaron Robinson. He never fails to be what I need him to be: a comedian, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to talk to, a heart to love, an amazing father, the perfect husband.
• My son, Killian. I am learning so much from my little boy. I am growing and changing just as much and as quickly as he is. I believe that through Aaron and Killian, I am finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.

Here are some cutes!

First Thanksgiving!

Mommy is thankful for him too!

What's New!

So it's been a bit since my last post. What's new in the Robinson Family World?

• Killian got his first round of vaccinations! Yikes! Momma hated it! He screamed, but I gave him his bink and he calmed down fairly fast. Then he ZONKED out on the way home and for most of the night. Yes, I said "bink." Aaron and I have grudgingly decided to let him use it more, since it does calm him down faster than we can sometimes.
• Killian is FULL of boogers! Both Aaron and I had colds a few weeks ago, which I think we passed to Lil Man. He HATES that bulb syringe that we use to suck his nose clear and cries like we're back at the doctor for more vaccinations when I use it. Sometimes, the amount of booger I can suck out with that thing reminds me of when you see a clown pulling scarves out of their mouth: when will it end?
• Killian smiles! No longer will it be blamed on gas! They are genuine smiles people.
• Killian talks! He communicates through crying, yes, but has also added vowel sounds to his range of vocal talents. His "ooh" and "ahh" make me giggle. He also has this higher pitched "hah-oh" sound that is precious. He is most smiley and talkative in the morning. It's nice that our conversations are not nearly as one-sided as they once were.
• Killian can laugh! Ok, it only happened once really, but it was a laugh. He kind of chuckled and I can't even remember what I did to make it happen, but I was wicked excited. No laughs since, but it was pretty awesome.
• Killian HATES tummy-time! Seriously, he shows off the strength of his lungs more than the strength of his neck muscles when you put him on his belly. That is unless you put him on his belly on YOUR belly, which may yield some grumping, but then usually some cuddles and/or sleeping.
• Killian is a fashion plate! The child has more clothes than I do, and potentially more than his father and me combined! Grandma and Grandpa Lehs are the culprits most often, but they get him so many cute things! I told Aaron that I debated whether or not to wash Killian's clothes because he has so many (alas, we lack enough pants and socks for that). I actually had to take the clothes OUT of the 12+ drawer to make more room for all of the other things. It doesn't help that I bought a lot of clothes during the summer, which means short sleeves, and it's getting colder, which requires longer sleeves.

With all that's new in Killian's life, you might wonder what's up with Aaron and I. Well, Aaron is currently playing Xbox (Assassin's Creed) and I am busy with work and attempting to listen to my new audiobook. We are trying to figure out Christmas when it comes to all of our new financial responsibilities, which means it will likely be a sparse year. Aaron continues to impress me with his fathering (not like I'm surprised), by taking Killian when he knows I need a break or washing bottles and diapers when I ask. Parenthood is definitely a team effort. TTFN readers!

What I love about my little boy...

Since it's November, I thought I'd write about the things for which I am thankful. Killian is chief among them, however, there is so much to this complex little person that I have to list all of the little things that make me so grateful for him. Here goes:

Killian, I am thankful for:

• your smiles, the ones when you're about to fall asleep and your new awake smiles.
• our cuddles in the morning before "school."
• your fingers wrapped around mine.
• those thrashing little arms and kicking little legs (despite your punching me on occasion).
• the way you try to pull closer when we nurse.
• how you "Cuddle up, Cuddlebug" on my shoulder.
• the little "oohs," "ahhs," and coos you are starting to make more often.
• the color of your eyes.
• your beautiful eyelashes.
• the fact that you prefer Momma to a bottle.
• the Juno soundtrack that seems to calm you down in the car.
• the sound of your cry, even as it breaks my heart, because it means you're here and you need me.
• how I don't even mind being pooped, peed, drooled, boogered, and puked on, so long as it is coming from you.
• the way you're changing my day-to-day life by making Mommy a better planner, helping me learn to live a little more and worry a little less about the small stuff, and assisting my shift from uber-Type A personality to semi-Type A personality.

When you read this someday Baby Boy, know that no matter whatever has stressed me out, worried me, scared me, etc. I want no other boy than you because you are perfect. From head to toe, you are my little angel and I'd change nothing about you. "You're amazing, just the way you are."

Here's the song that Momma sings while she rocks you to sleep at night:

A Sad Complication with Motherhood...

I apologize for the disorganization of this blog post. I'm writing from a very emotional place right now, so be warned and stop reading if you think you'll be offended. You can call me juvenile for blogging about it if you chose to, but writing has always been my release and I don't believe that burying my feelings will help me move on. You can call me pitiful if you want, because the following blog may indeed resemble a pity party, but it's my blog filled with my words to help me release my pain. I'll try to keep it as clean as possible.

I guess I always knew that motherhood meant making sacrifices. I've sacrificed my body, any sense of a personal schedule, time alone, money spent on selfish/me things, etc. However, in the past week I've learned of another sacrifice I never knew I'd encounter on this journey: relationships. Let me preface the rest of this blog by saying Aaron and I are just fine. I believe that caring for Killian has brought us closer because we are making strides to communicate better about our needs and feelings. This is great! Also I feel it is important to say that though I've been confronted with a harsh reality, I love my son so much I can hardly see straight sometimes. I guess maybe I forget that others don't care nearly as much as I do.

Most of my close friends know that last week was really rough for me. I'll spare the details since they've gotten me in trouble once already and resulted in my humiliation and the requirement to edit/censor my blog and Facebook (which feels so very junior high, but is for protection now). Those who care know what went do and why I'm struggling so much right now. Thank you so much to those who have stood up for me and called or written their support. Another complication that I assume is associated with motherhood and last week's drama has emerged now: I've lost two friends. I'm not sure how or even why.

Ever since moving to Des Moines over five years ago, making friends has been really hard. I have some great friends that I met in college who I love more than I can say, but they are far away, which makes DSM a little lonely at times. I made one very close friend while working at the bookstore as well, and that makes me so deeply happy because she rocks! I've always been a hard worker and tend to put getting work done over going out and socializing, so I know that I've made it hard for myself, but that's just the person I am. I was always the girl who got her homework done on Friday night so the rest of the weekend was mine and then didn't get to hang out because other people waited until Sunday night to rush to finish their work.

I've always felt a little on the outside of things, socially awkward if you will, and like I'm always trying to catch up to the "cool kids." This stems all the way back to middle school when I moved to Iowa in the middle of eighth grade. I never felt like I fit in with the kids in my school because I didn't grow up with them, though I do have a few with whom I am close (and I LOVE them dearly) and a few others with whom I've reconnected through the lovely world of Facebook. Even at work today, I feel like I'm missing the bonds that could have formed because I started a few days behind the majority of staff. Even staff that started after me seem to join the "cool" ranks quickly and leave me sitting on the outside.

The friendships I've lost in the past week or so were still in the initial phases, but they showed promise to blossom into something bigger in the future. We were making plans to hang out more prior to Killian's arrival. We'd been out on the town as a group. Then Kiddo came and things changed, obviously, and they had to change. I'm not upset about that at all. I am upset because I don't get why thigns changed so abruptly!

I feel very 4th grade saying that I was saddened to be "unfriended" and even "blocked" on FB by the people I was attempting to foster relationships with. I think I'm hurt because I'm not sure what it was that caused the change. Sadly the loss of these two friends may now throw another friendship into peril as we were a part of another circle of pals. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, so I will likely be the person cut/snipped/dumped from this group as well.  Let's examine the possible reasons for my losses:

• Perhaps it's because all of my thoughts and conversations center around my life with Killian now and people are bored with hearing about it and choose to no longer include me in conversations around the lunch table.
• If you're one of these people, feel free to "unfriend" me and stop reading my blog. I can't believe how ostracizing motherhood has started to feel and I will NOT regret having a child just because others are disenchanted with parenthood or mothers who talk about their babies. It's hard not to talk about it when your life is consumed by it and finding 10 minutes of alone time is so rare. Talking about my son or my life with my son may seem pretty self-absorbed to others, but there is no way to separate my life from his right now.
• If you don't want to know the truth about how things are going or how I am doing, don't ask me. I don't believe in lying about it. I will tell you both what I love and what I hate about my new role as a mother because it is not always sunshine and daisies, though when it is (which is more often than not) it's completely amazing. Just today I looked a Killian and cried for the beauty of the little precious angel sleeping in my arms. I also cried an hour later when he cried and I couldn't get him to calm down. I cry at 2am when he won't go to sleep and I'm exhausted beyond words and I cry when I see him smile and know that I had something to do with putting it there.
• Perhaps it stems from the discomfort others are feeling around me now that I'm a nursing mother and I'm fairly open about it.
• I will do my part to not flaunt my nursing/pumping because I now realize that others are not nearly as comfortable and open about it. I will shut my mouth where it needs to be shut and hide what needs hidden about my current status, but I'm not going to be sorry that I nurse my son because it is the most beautiful thing in the world. In fact, I'd love to STOP stressing out about stressing others out since said stress has actually made it HARDER to nurse and pump for Killian.
• FYI - stress causes a decrease in milk production. One of the most terrifying things in my life right now is my milk production, how it's dropping, how that will affect Killian, and how I just want to do right by my baby. It is a fountain of stress honestly, thinking about whether or not he's eating enough, if I'm producing enough, etc. Seriously, everything I eat while I am at work is only to help INCREASE production, from drinking copious amounts of "mother's milk" tea, taking garlic supplements, eating my weight in almonds, munching protein bars, drinking nearly a gallon of water daily, eating oatmeal for at least one meal a day, drinking ginger ale, etc...
• Breastfeeding and pumping are still less stressful in my mind than supplementing my child with formula though, for those who may suggest to me that formula is the answer to all my issues here. I also don't wish to lose the beautiful bond that Kiddo and I have through nursing. It's just too precious to me considering all of the other things I have and will have to sacrifice during motherhood. I'm going to keep this, selfishly, as long as I am able to do so (within reason people; I don't want to be breastfeeding a child who comes over and lifts my shirt on his own for a drink or who can articulate complete sentences).
• Perhaps I said something I shouldn't have or stepped on the wrong toes and caused offense.
• I've been known to unwittingly ruffle feathers or "step in it" without intention. Sometimes it happens verbally, sometimes it happens on here where I deem it safe to vent. I am assuming it is my venting that has caused the largest issue of late.

These are the only reasons I can see, though I'm sure there may be others. I'd like to retract whatever it was that I did/said in order to repair the relationships I've lost, but it's hard when I'm not sure where I went wrong. Since there is little hope of ever figuring it out, I guess I'll have to chalk it up to "Valerie screwed up" and move on, try to start again on some new friendships. Maybe other mothers are the best place to begin and I can build on relationships that are somewhat there but could be stronger. Maybe I did this to a new mother at some point. If I did and you're reading this, the depths of my sincere apology are hard to express appropriately. Motherhood changes everything. It is overwhelming and all-consuming; I fully understand that now...

Could this blog post sound any more depressing? Nothing about my current situation or this blog is helping the PPD go away. Seriously, I need a good shaking. Mom, I know you'd tell me that this is one of those times where I need to grab myself by the throat and throw myself against the wall to knock some sense into myself. I know that I am a kickass friend. I know that I am worth the effort that it may take to spend time with me now that Killian is here. I know that there are more people out there who care about me than the two who have decided I'm not worth their time. I also know the being Killian's mother is the most important relationship right now and if others don't understand all that being a mother implies, then perhaps it's not worth my extremely limited personal time.

So what does it all boil down to? I'm hurt because I know I'm worth the effort, especially when I'm willing to give back as much as others put in, it just may take me a bit more time now. I wish I understood. Maybe when they become mothers, if they choose to do so, they will understand. I certainly would not wish the loss of friendship due to motherhood on anyone though, since new mothers especially need supportive people around them.

I'll leave my readers with this. The following is a news article that was shared by a fellow mother in which a reader writes in about not understanding why mothers don't have time to call/visit. I was going to upload a video of Killian's first on-camera smile, but it's not loading for some reason, so please visit my FB page to see it because it is SO SWEET!

To all of the mothers and will-be-mothers-someday out there, I've got your back!

Much love to you all,
Valerie (and Killian)


Read this before you question whether or not a parent (new or not) is ignoring you...

Pictures of Cute

Let's start this post with a picture of Killian's first day at "school."

Yes, he's throwing gang signs. In Danielle's words, "Yo, homie, watchu lookin' at? Let's do this...get my azz to daycare, bioooootch!" Sounds about right...

Thanks to Aunt Sara for the "costume" and to Austin Powers for inspiring my son to throw up a "Dr. Evil finger."

His first day...

Yesterday, at 6:20, I began to bawl my eyes out as I took Killian to "school" (aka. day care) for the first time. I start back to work tomorrow, but I had to go to the doctor for my "yep you can go back to work" check-up yesterday and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that having him start at day care a day or two early would be a good idea. One, it will help me get accustomed to a new morning routine that involves clothes OTHER than my pajamas and going back to bed. Two, I need to get used to him not being constantly around me, get the tears out a bit now so I'm not such a sobbing mass when I go back to work. Three, it will help him get acclimated to the people and the environment a bit. And four, if there are any major issues I can hopefully get them worked out in the first few days while I have time to do so, like buying him more clothes or diapers to keep there or going in to feed him a bottle if he won't take it from them.

I cried the whole way there! It was awful. When I pulled up to the place, the lights were all off! OMG! I thought they opened at 6:30am! Well, they do, but I was a couple of minutes early. Then, when I went in, his classroom was completely dark! Where was his teacher? I tracked down the lady I'd seen unlock the door (just the next room over) and introduced myself and Killian, saying we were starting today. It turns out that Killian's teacher doesn't get in until 7:30, but they have one staff member come in at 6:30, then another at 7:00. I both understand and am frustrated by this. Killian is so little, I don't want him to be around SO MANY kids and potentially get all of their germs! I do get it though, that with costs being what they are, they can't afford to have EVERY staff member come in right at 6:30. Still, it's a bit of a grrrr situation.

After I left him with the three-year-old teacher and other kiddos, I cried the whole way to school. I didn't have to go in, but I did need to pick up some papers that I was being given by my sub. I stayed at FP for over an hour, just kind chatting with folks and getting hugs for the pitiful expression I must have had on my face. After FP, I ran to Target to pick up a humidified because it seems that Killian is developing the cold that both Aaron and I have had and we can't give him anything for it. On the way to Target, I called the day care to talk to his teacher to see if she found the note I'd left and had any questions for me. She was so sweet and totally put my mind at ease. I came home for a bit then, pumped and watched some TV before running out to West DSM for my doctor's appointment. Everything looked good and we got this cute little shirt for Killian that says, "I got my first hug from Dr. Booth." Dr. Booth delivered Killian. I guess every family gets one, but it was super cute and something I'll keep for him forever (along with every other item of too-cute-to-get-rid-of clothing). The best news was the doctor told me I was ok to start freezing milk again. THANK THE LORD!

After the doctor, I ran to HR to drop of my paperwork saying I'd been cleared to return to work and then tried to drive across town to see how long it would take me to get from FP to the day care. I stopped to get the batteries in my watch replaced (finally) and drop off my prescriptions at the pharmacy. As soon as I got home, I started dumping milk into my freezer bags. I made seven (that's right, 7!) of them and the fridge no longer looks like the place pumped milk goes to die (ie. a graveyard of milk bottles).

I piked up the house a bit, did a load of laundry and a load of diapers, and chilled until I just couldn't stand it anymore and I drove back to school to pick up my little boy. He was wide awake, gripping a set of those linking rings, and in his teacher's arms when I walked in. I started to cry again as I took him from Tonya (his teacher). She said he had a great day! He did have a diaper leak on his clothes, but he ate well and at almost exactly 3.0 hours intervals, had three naps (2x45 minutes and 1 for an hour) and had done a great job. His other teacher Katie said, "He's my little buddy! I need a nickname for him!" I was so happy to hear that. He fell asleep on my shoulder while I talked with his teachers for 20 minutes or so, then we went home. He fussed a bit, but I held him, cuddled him, and let his sleep on the boppy on my lap until he was hungry again. Oh, I love my little man SOOOOOOOOOO much and I'm so glad he did so well.

This morning, although I was a bit more at ease, it was still very hard to leave him, but I know he's going to be well looked after and that by 4:00pm, I'll see him again. I'm planning to spend this last day home taking care of some of my needs. I'm getting my hair done and potentially buying myself some new jeans, since all of mine look like clown pants for the most part. TTFN readers!

Tomorrow's the Big Day...

Ok, I am both looking forward to and near in tears about tomorrow. My baby boy will start at day care tomorrow. I will be staying home (or doing a LOT of running around) while he goes. Aaron and I made the decision to start him a few days early for a few reasons. One, I have my post-natal check-up tomorrow and it will be easier to go to the doctor without Killian potentially screaming or needing to nurse while there. Two, I have a few days until I start work again, so if there are any issues, I should be able to help deal with them. And three, Momma is going to need to get used to having someone else take care of her little boy.

That's the part that I think will tear me up the most. I know that Aaron and I have chosen a great day care and that these people know what they are doing. He will be in great hands. The thing is, those hands aren't mine. I feel he's safest in my hands (control-freak Momma talking). For as frustrating as being a new mom has been, I wouldn't have it any other way (ok, maybe a bit easier, but you get the idea). Killian is the light of my days, and on occasion my nights, LOL! I'm not sure I remember what to do when my life isn't dominated by a nurse-change-nurse-rock/sleep cycle that repeats every three hours or so. Some days have been harder than others, some days I was in tears, got pooped/peed/puked on (like this morning), but I still had this precious little angel in my arms! What do I do when someone else is in charge and, even more alarmingly, he's not even here? When Aaron is taking care of him, or a friend/family member is holding him, I'm still around to help. Tomorrow and Thursday, I can GO help, but on Friday, time's up! I'll be at work again and that's that! Oh man, my eyes are welling with tears as I type thinking about it.

I'm preparing this "introduction to Killian" sheet for daycare, to try to pass on what I know about his habits and needs, but I feel like I'm still learning them. What can I say? Keep him upright after feedings so you don't get the milk-explosion of all milk-explosions. Don't forget to treat his thrush please. He likes nature noises to help fall asleep, which he CONSTANTLY is fighting. He loves to be held. He takes a break while nursing/eating, usually to poop, so don't change him immediately unless you want to do it again a few minutes later. I feel like I'm writing his how-to guide, but I can't put into words how special he is, how precious his little fingers and toes are, how if you watch closely he smiles when he's going to sleep in your arms. My baby is so special to me, but he's about to go to "school" with other babies who are special to their parents too. My little boy won't be any more special than those other babies to his care givers. I guess I will just have to spoil him when I pick him up.

The benefits of Killian going to day care is that perhaps, it will create a bit more of a schedule. I'm sure I'll be exhausted this first month or so, getting both he and I on the schedule, but hey, in a month it will be almost Thanksgiving Break and I can sleep it off then, right? I will be able to return to the world of social interaction as well as mental stimulation. I'll have conversations consisting of more than long vowel sounds, too.

I think he knows something's up too. Momma's been pretty emotional this whole time we've been together, but toward the end of last week it hit pretty hard that our time together was limited. The past two mornings, he's thrown up quite a bit. Now, it's likely something in my diet or the Nystatin upsetting his tummy, but part of me wonders if he's picking up on my anxiety or somehow finding ways to cuddle with me more (via needing to nurse after he empties his belly onto my shoulder, the bed, and the floor). I know he's not old enough to "manipulate" things yet, but still, I wonder...

I have to plan my next two days carefully so that I am both busy and well-rested. Here are some sample agenda items for Wednesday and Thursday: go to doctor, try on clothes to determine which are too large to be considered a part of my wardrobe, use Kohl's giftcard from birthday sparingly to purchase a few replacement items, stop by Motherhood for nursing materials, sterilize all bottles and pump parts, vacuum (oh man does it need done and am I excited! That's not sarcasm, I <3 vacuuming!), organize our file drawers and safe, replace batteries in dead watch, buy more ring "snuggers," try not to obsess over my child, print a few pictures to take to work and buy a frame, read something not Berenstain Bears (ie. my Private series conclusion, finish Malice, and start Power of Six), wash our diapers and contemplate buying another Flip system for home/day care, get hair done on Thursday, attempt to go in to work to get the torch passed back to me for Friday, PUMP PUMP PUMP to maintain my supply! I think that should be enough to fill one day I guess. What will I do on Thursday then (other than my hair and work...)???

Hasta luego from this stressed and saddened Mommy...

1 Month Officially and Photos to Boot!

Killian is officially, by calendar date, one month old today. Below are the pictures we had taken at Sears (and yes, we purchased the full rights to them). They really turned out well!

1 Month Later...

Hard to believe that if you aren't looking directly at the calendar date (cuz he was born on the 8th, not the 6th), Killian arrived in ours lives 1 month ago! Here is a list of the ways in which my life has been altered, arguably, for the better:

1. Taking time out - I have learned how important that it is for me to stop and enjoy things. Killian consumes so much of my time that early on, I didn't know how to enjoy my hobbies or watch my TV shows much any more. Thankfully, I am either catching up on sleep or getting used to less of it and therefore, I am able to get in a nap and then go about my own business while he naps or swings or bounces. I am also glad that having Kiddo around doesn't mean we've lost touch with the people we care about. Just last weekend, Stephanie, Kevin, and Anthony came over to play games and they graciously continued to play while I nursed, but kept me involved as well. I get phone calls frequently from other friends and family, and nearly each week, we've had someone stop by to see us. Who am I kidding? They come for the baby and I know it! :)

2. Weight - They weren't kidding when they talked about how great breastfeeding is for weight loss. It was hard in the beginning and we are currently dealing with what I believe is a growth spurt at the moment, so I am nearly attached to him by the boob, but I have lost all of the pregnancy weight, plus 5-10 more, depending on how I weigh myself. We are dealing with thrush right now as well, which appears to be on the mend, but we have a lot of meds left, so we're going to take them all. That means I can pump milk, but can't freeze it, which is frustrating, but I'll live. My appetite is slowly returning as well. I managed to eat three pieces of greasy Casey's pizza when Stephanie and Kevin visited last night, and two slices of cheesy bread, which is amazing!

3. Type A-ness - Gradually, I am letting go of some of my need to control everything. I am still coming to terms with the fact that my schedule is no longer my own. I am actually looking forward to returning to work because I feel that work and daycare will bring back some semblance of a schedule to my life. Work will also bring the return of intellectual stimulation as well, as my students and colleagues will challenge me to think in ways that Killian isn't able to yet. I can't wait until he can talk though, seriously! I know that going back to work and letting someone other than Aaron or me take care of Killian will be hard, but I am also embracing it as a chance to return to a more "normal" life. We will have to be separated at some point... :(

4. Aaron - I always knew he would be a great dad, but seeing it in action is so stunning! I think he may actually be the better parent. I tend to be riddled with anxiety about "is he eating enough?" "why is he crying?" "is he sick?" and so on. Aaron is comfortable letting Killian have a little cry to try to let him soothe himself before he sweeps in. Now, when Momma is trying to rest, it's hard to hear the sadness of my baby boy, but Aaron always has it under control. I have come to realize just how lucky I am that Aaron is my partner in life and crime. He never hesitates to give me a break or let me sleep to get ready for the night. If anything, I worry that he is overwhelmed with work AND Killian, but he never seems phased really. Aaron gives Killian a bottle each night, and I love watching the two of them cuddle. I seriously didn't think I could love Aaron more than I did before Killian, but I know that I couldn't do this without him and my love, respect, and appreciation are so much deeper now that we have a child together. YLI Querido Mio!

5. Cuddle-time - Is there anything sweeter than this little boy? Even when he's screaming or fussy? I think not. Killian is the light of my life. No matter how overwhelmed I feel by the fact that I am his Mommy and that he relies on me so fully, I don't think I was ever meant for a greater purpose. His growth spurt has made him pretty restless, but with that restlessness has come these great cuddle moments when I can just hold him in my arms, lay him on my chest, or cuddle him on the Boppy (great invention that, by the way; invest in it all you mothers-to-be). Sometimes, we just look at each other. I talk to him, not usually saying ANYTHING important or even really telling a story, just repeating that he's my little boy, he's safe and loved and perfect in my eyes. When I move around the room, his eyes try to follow me now. When I cuddle him on my chest, he moves his head so he can see me? There is such a bond that I can't begin to describe between us. I never, ever want him to lose faith in his Momma because she loves him so very deeply. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have this little boy in my life! How did God choose me for this? What was He thinking? Haha!

I was going to try to post some pictures, but I hear Kiddo calling for his next meal in the bedroom, so I'd better run. I'll try to post a few images in the next few days. He's growing so much. We are having his 1 month photos taken on Saturday (wish us luck that I have them timed just right).

Long time no typing...

He was two weeks old yesterday (last night at 11:08pm to be exact) and today is his original due date!

Alright, we brought the kid home, so life has been turned decidedly upside down. Posts may be erratic and short from here on out. I'll try to sum up a few things for you since Killian arrived.

The day after he was born, he got the big snip. I know it's not medically necessary and all that, but we decided that it was going to be easier to explain some things later if we didn't have to have extra steps. We had to take very good care of Little Man's "little man" for about a week to ten days. It really only involved an extra step at diaper changes, so it wasn't terrible.

Also, the day after he was born, we were inundated with visitors at the hospital. My father came down for a quick visit, which was amazing! My mother and her fiance also came by and got to hold him. Mom/Grandma also witnessed his first bath, through which he screamed! He's screamed through every bath since as well! Aunt Sara came over her lunch hour, but they had just taken Kiddo for his snip-fest, so she didn't get to hold him until she came back that night with Uncle Joe and Evy.

Once I regained feeling in my legs, I was allowed to shower! That was AH-MAZING! I didn't really feel unclean by any means, but it just felt good to stand under the water for a while and kind of baby myself a bit. It wasn't as nice as that whirlpool tub though, sadly (I MUST have one I tell you!). Things were fairly quiet aside from visitors. Night was rough when he stayed with us, likely due to his operation and my trying to get the hang of nursing. Here's where I think not being on the post-partum floor really stunk: we didn't have much in the way of assistance. At one point, a nurse came in to show us how to complete the 5Ss, but I think it may have been at the request of either a nurse on our floor or another patient because he was really giving his lungs a workout.

Saturday, I was ready to go home and so was Aaron. There was so much to do though that the process took way longer than we wanted it to. I had to have my whooping cough vaccine, there were pictures we still needed to take, Kiddo had to be checked over, so did I, and there were a lot of papers to sign. Plus, I had to go pick up my breast pump, since my insurance covered a new one. Kiddo didn't want to take pictures very badly either, until we put him on his tummy in the basket (picture to follow soon), then it was like he conked out. I can see why parents try to put their babies on their tummies to sleep, although it's a GIANT no-no (SIDS hazard). Thankfully, before we left, we had a very sweet post-partum nurse come in to talk with us and watch him latch for breast feeding and teach us about his Vitamin K supplements. She was the biggest angel ever.

When we got home, it got very real. There's a kid in our house who is 100% dependent on us! Crap! By Sunday morning, I had already called the pediatrician when I noticed he wasn't peeing. It felt like my first parental failure when I was told to nurse him as long as I could on each side and then give him 1-2 ounces of formula. No! I don't want to give him formula; I want him to be a perfect breastfed baby! The formula did the trick, but I still felt awful about giving it to him. What if he can't breastfeed now and only takes a bottle? Not to mention that there is no WAY to calculate how much breast milk he's getting when he nurses, and that early on, it's still colostrum, so it's very little anyway! Oh man, my emotions were on overdrive.

That Monday, we had a check-up to see what was going on with Kiddo. He'd lost another 2 ounces, but that was normal and so there was no cause for alarm. We just had his two-week check yesterday and he's back above birth weight, gained a whole pound since that check-up and is now 19.5 inches. I think he's healthy!

The hardest adjustment, aside from mega-sleep deprivation, has been Aaron going back to work. It gets a little lonely during the day and it's often hard to rest when Kiddo does because he's a noisy sleeper and each noise sends me into a spiral of "what's wrong?!?!?!" It's hard at night when Aaron is home because I know that he's worked hard all day and wants to unwind and I want him to sleep well so that he doesn't injure himself at work. Nights can get just as long as days. Kiddo has been good for the most part though, going about 2.5-3hours between feedings. Last night, I was going to try to push him a bit further, but I think the trip to the doctor threw off his schedule and I was up every half hour or so from 1:15-3:15am trying to nurse and get him to nod off to sleep. He just didn't seem tired and didn't want to nurse for very long. The whole time I was worried about Aaron not being able to sleep too, which didn't help.

Aaron and I have worked out a bit of a system though, so that he and Kiddo can bond and Mommy gets a little break/chance to go to bed early and get a running start on the night. One of the last feedings before 10pm or so, I nurse him for a few minutes and then Aaron gives him a bottle of expressed milk. I was worried about nipple confusion at first, but Kiddo is handling it like a pro. I think it also gives us a chance to perhaps get a bit more sleep at the start of the night, since we know he's had a "good meal."

Aaron really is an amazing dad. When I see him and Killian together, it melts my heart. I can't wait to see all of the amazing things they do together as Killian grows up. Sometimes, I just hug Aaron and tell him how important it is to me that he's here, because I know I couldn't do this without him.

We've had a few other friends come over recently as well. Whitney and Meagen came last Friday to see Kiddo. Aaron and I had taken Kiddo on the day of his first check-up to see both of the staffs at our respective workplaces. Kiddo touches a lot of people and they form an instant bond with him. He's really hard NOT to love, even when he's screaming and I want to sleep for 4 uninterrupted hours (not likely to happen I fear). Stephanie and Kevin also came over last weekend and hung out with us for several hours, which brought some normalcy back into our lives.

Well, the Kidlet (aka. Stinker when he won't nurse well for me) will be up shortly I'm sure, begging a meal and diaper change. Oh, we are in cloth diapers now. They are shockingly easy! I can't decide if I like the Flips or the prefolds better, though I worry about how long the prefolds will fit him. I was told they'd last a long time, but the sides seem to just barely meet, so I'm not sure what I need to change there. I'll leave you all with a few photos of Kidlet!

Our only photo to date as a family, just as we were leaving the hospital.



"I is sleepy!"



Kiddo Cuddles!

Momma's hands; Killian's feets!

First basket photo he calmed down for.

Belly time!

Two Weeks Old! Wearing a onesie from Auntie Rizzy and rocking a blanket from Auntie Steph!

The most important finger! LOL! He was nursing at the time, so let's hope he was just drunk off milk.

Sleeping in his bouncer. He likes his hands by his face or his arms above his head.

Looking at his monkey toy (Put aside the comments I know you all could make about a 'monkey.'). Every now and then, I think he tries to "get it."