A Sad Complication with Motherhood...

I apologize for the disorganization of this blog post. I'm writing from a very emotional place right now, so be warned and stop reading if you think you'll be offended. You can call me juvenile for blogging about it if you chose to, but writing has always been my release and I don't believe that burying my feelings will help me move on. You can call me pitiful if you want, because the following blog may indeed resemble a pity party, but it's my blog filled with my words to help me release my pain. I'll try to keep it as clean as possible.

I guess I always knew that motherhood meant making sacrifices. I've sacrificed my body, any sense of a personal schedule, time alone, money spent on selfish/me things, etc. However, in the past week I've learned of another sacrifice I never knew I'd encounter on this journey: relationships. Let me preface the rest of this blog by saying Aaron and I are just fine. I believe that caring for Killian has brought us closer because we are making strides to communicate better about our needs and feelings. This is great! Also I feel it is important to say that though I've been confronted with a harsh reality, I love my son so much I can hardly see straight sometimes. I guess maybe I forget that others don't care nearly as much as I do.

Most of my close friends know that last week was really rough for me. I'll spare the details since they've gotten me in trouble once already and resulted in my humiliation and the requirement to edit/censor my blog and Facebook (which feels so very junior high, but is for protection now). Those who care know what went do and why I'm struggling so much right now. Thank you so much to those who have stood up for me and called or written their support. Another complication that I assume is associated with motherhood and last week's drama has emerged now: I've lost two friends. I'm not sure how or even why.

Ever since moving to Des Moines over five years ago, making friends has been really hard. I have some great friends that I met in college who I love more than I can say, but they are far away, which makes DSM a little lonely at times. I made one very close friend while working at the bookstore as well, and that makes me so deeply happy because she rocks! I've always been a hard worker and tend to put getting work done over going out and socializing, so I know that I've made it hard for myself, but that's just the person I am. I was always the girl who got her homework done on Friday night so the rest of the weekend was mine and then didn't get to hang out because other people waited until Sunday night to rush to finish their work.

I've always felt a little on the outside of things, socially awkward if you will, and like I'm always trying to catch up to the "cool kids." This stems all the way back to middle school when I moved to Iowa in the middle of eighth grade. I never felt like I fit in with the kids in my school because I didn't grow up with them, though I do have a few with whom I am close (and I LOVE them dearly) and a few others with whom I've reconnected through the lovely world of Facebook. Even at work today, I feel like I'm missing the bonds that could have formed because I started a few days behind the majority of staff. Even staff that started after me seem to join the "cool" ranks quickly and leave me sitting on the outside.

The friendships I've lost in the past week or so were still in the initial phases, but they showed promise to blossom into something bigger in the future. We were making plans to hang out more prior to Killian's arrival. We'd been out on the town as a group. Then Kiddo came and things changed, obviously, and they had to change. I'm not upset about that at all. I am upset because I don't get why thigns changed so abruptly!

I feel very 4th grade saying that I was saddened to be "unfriended" and even "blocked" on FB by the people I was attempting to foster relationships with. I think I'm hurt because I'm not sure what it was that caused the change. Sadly the loss of these two friends may now throw another friendship into peril as we were a part of another circle of pals. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, so I will likely be the person cut/snipped/dumped from this group as well.  Let's examine the possible reasons for my losses:

• Perhaps it's because all of my thoughts and conversations center around my life with Killian now and people are bored with hearing about it and choose to no longer include me in conversations around the lunch table.
• If you're one of these people, feel free to "unfriend" me and stop reading my blog. I can't believe how ostracizing motherhood has started to feel and I will NOT regret having a child just because others are disenchanted with parenthood or mothers who talk about their babies. It's hard not to talk about it when your life is consumed by it and finding 10 minutes of alone time is so rare. Talking about my son or my life with my son may seem pretty self-absorbed to others, but there is no way to separate my life from his right now.
• If you don't want to know the truth about how things are going or how I am doing, don't ask me. I don't believe in lying about it. I will tell you both what I love and what I hate about my new role as a mother because it is not always sunshine and daisies, though when it is (which is more often than not) it's completely amazing. Just today I looked a Killian and cried for the beauty of the little precious angel sleeping in my arms. I also cried an hour later when he cried and I couldn't get him to calm down. I cry at 2am when he won't go to sleep and I'm exhausted beyond words and I cry when I see him smile and know that I had something to do with putting it there.
• Perhaps it stems from the discomfort others are feeling around me now that I'm a nursing mother and I'm fairly open about it.
• I will do my part to not flaunt my nursing/pumping because I now realize that others are not nearly as comfortable and open about it. I will shut my mouth where it needs to be shut and hide what needs hidden about my current status, but I'm not going to be sorry that I nurse my son because it is the most beautiful thing in the world. In fact, I'd love to STOP stressing out about stressing others out since said stress has actually made it HARDER to nurse and pump for Killian.
• FYI - stress causes a decrease in milk production. One of the most terrifying things in my life right now is my milk production, how it's dropping, how that will affect Killian, and how I just want to do right by my baby. It is a fountain of stress honestly, thinking about whether or not he's eating enough, if I'm producing enough, etc. Seriously, everything I eat while I am at work is only to help INCREASE production, from drinking copious amounts of "mother's milk" tea, taking garlic supplements, eating my weight in almonds, munching protein bars, drinking nearly a gallon of water daily, eating oatmeal for at least one meal a day, drinking ginger ale, etc...
• Breastfeeding and pumping are still less stressful in my mind than supplementing my child with formula though, for those who may suggest to me that formula is the answer to all my issues here. I also don't wish to lose the beautiful bond that Kiddo and I have through nursing. It's just too precious to me considering all of the other things I have and will have to sacrifice during motherhood. I'm going to keep this, selfishly, as long as I am able to do so (within reason people; I don't want to be breastfeeding a child who comes over and lifts my shirt on his own for a drink or who can articulate complete sentences).
• Perhaps I said something I shouldn't have or stepped on the wrong toes and caused offense.
• I've been known to unwittingly ruffle feathers or "step in it" without intention. Sometimes it happens verbally, sometimes it happens on here where I deem it safe to vent. I am assuming it is my venting that has caused the largest issue of late.

These are the only reasons I can see, though I'm sure there may be others. I'd like to retract whatever it was that I did/said in order to repair the relationships I've lost, but it's hard when I'm not sure where I went wrong. Since there is little hope of ever figuring it out, I guess I'll have to chalk it up to "Valerie screwed up" and move on, try to start again on some new friendships. Maybe other mothers are the best place to begin and I can build on relationships that are somewhat there but could be stronger. Maybe I did this to a new mother at some point. If I did and you're reading this, the depths of my sincere apology are hard to express appropriately. Motherhood changes everything. It is overwhelming and all-consuming; I fully understand that now...

Could this blog post sound any more depressing? Nothing about my current situation or this blog is helping the PPD go away. Seriously, I need a good shaking. Mom, I know you'd tell me that this is one of those times where I need to grab myself by the throat and throw myself against the wall to knock some sense into myself. I know that I am a kickass friend. I know that I am worth the effort that it may take to spend time with me now that Killian is here. I know that there are more people out there who care about me than the two who have decided I'm not worth their time. I also know the being Killian's mother is the most important relationship right now and if others don't understand all that being a mother implies, then perhaps it's not worth my extremely limited personal time.

So what does it all boil down to? I'm hurt because I know I'm worth the effort, especially when I'm willing to give back as much as others put in, it just may take me a bit more time now. I wish I understood. Maybe when they become mothers, if they choose to do so, they will understand. I certainly would not wish the loss of friendship due to motherhood on anyone though, since new mothers especially need supportive people around them.

I'll leave my readers with this. The following is a news article that was shared by a fellow mother in which a reader writes in about not understanding why mothers don't have time to call/visit. I was going to upload a video of Killian's first on-camera smile, but it's not loading for some reason, so please visit my FB page to see it because it is SO SWEET!

To all of the mothers and will-be-mothers-someday out there, I've got your back!

Much love to you all,
Valerie (and Killian)


Read this before you question whether or not a parent (new or not) is ignoring you...