So, I never really thought it'd happen to me, but I guess since it runs in the family, I should have been more aware at an earlier stage. The lack of recent posting has been due largely to my inability to enjoy much lately. Why can't I enjoy anything? Well I am simply racked with guilt every time I try to do something just for me. If it isn't for Killian, I feel as though I am slacking off and being a terrible parent. When I do things for Killian, I am overwhelmed with what all MUST be accomplished. Enjoying much more than a TV show has seemed like a task that is difficult to accomplish. I wake each morning with a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I dare to believe will eventually disappear. This is the best way to describe what I feel, though I'm not sure that words do justice to what I am going through mentally. It's embarrassing too, given how much I wanted to be a parent and how fiercely I love my child.
So what do we do with a saddened, anxiety-riddled Valerie? We go to the doctor to learn what's going on! The doctor did indeed confirm my suspicions: I have postpartum depression. What do we do about it? Well, sadly I am now on medication to help that pit of despair go away. The doctor also suggested some counseling, since it might be a good idea to talk about what has me so tied up in knots of "can't have fun." I have not sought that part out just yet because part of me feels that having to go talk to someone would stress me out more.
I hate that I am a statistic now. One of a million mothers who can't seem to cope. But I could count myself as a statistic with or without the depression, someone with it or someone who didn't fall victim. I am thankful for my family's support while I learn to deal and to take things a little easier. It's been suggested that things will look better to me once I stop breastfeeding, which I hope to continue until September when Killian turns one.
But, there is a silver lining. I am willing to say that I am getting better. That pit in my stomach that I mentioned isn't so deep or angry or bitter and scary. I am able to enjoy a few more things. I'm starting to return to reading a bit. Killian is not as stressful to me as he once was and I truly am able to enjoy playing with him a bit more than I used to. I guess the meds are working, which is a good thing. I notice myself laughing again, seeking things to try to enjoy, and genuinely loving time with friends and family where once that was a source of stress. The climb to wellness is perhaps not as steep as I thought it was.
I'd best get going since the Kiddo is calling. I am willing to confirm that he says, "Mama" now! :)
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