Happy July 4th!

So I am home on break from school for the month of July. I have some nerves about this, with just me and baby home alone each day, but these first few have been ok, broken up by this holiday home with Aaron and the occasional trip out to do something. Mom is visiting next week too so that will break up next week as well. Then that will leave just two weeks home alone with kiddo before I start back to school. It's hard to believe, but we are fast approaching his first birthday! Crazy sauce!

Last night I had a great time being an adult with great people. Aaron, Killian, and I all went to Altoona to visit Erin and Brad and their daughter Ellie. Steph and Kevin came and we also got to see Anthony! It was so great to be around other adults!!! Especially ones we love so much and that understand parenthood! I was delighted to see another parent of a young one. Sara is the only other parent I know well and Evy is now 3, so there is quite a gap between her and Killian.

We ate brats, burgers, and melon. We laughed and watched baseball. We gushed and commiserated about life as a parent and how it changes. We played bags. We caught up on life. We stared at baby shoes! We watched fireworks. Killian did very well for being up an hour past his bedtime in an unfamiliar house with new people. I think I did well too, trying to be laid back. It amazed me how small Ellie was and to be reminded that Killian was once so tiny. I kinda miss it, though not the late night feedings. It was also great to just talk about being a mom with someone else who is experiencing it. For once I didn't feel like I was burdening or boring someone when I talked about it. I know other people try to listen and are great, but I always feel bad because my life is baby, baby, baby and theirs isn't, so I feel like I'm a bore a lot of the time. Erin was just super! I hope we can do more talking and venture out together as we navigate parenthood. Really I just had a great time!

Today we went with Sara, Joe, and Evy to the Heritage Carousel and Killian rode a "ride" for the first time. We started with the stationary giraffe and then the bench with Uncle Joe and Evy. After a break, we rode the moving pirate cat named Kaptain Kat and then moved to the elephant, a small tribute to Elaine. Once we were done there we went to Dairy Queen and Killian ate a part of a small dish of vanilla ice cream. Although it was hot, it was a lot of fun.

Well I'd better run for now since the kiddo is napping on me and Aaron and I are due to play a little Lego Batman! Hasta!

Sharing This is a Good Reminder...

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/06/12/living-life-with-open-hands/

Just read it!

Almost 9 months

So what can Killian do now?

- pull himself up with a little help
- sleep nearly through the night
- eat TONS of food
- scoot on his booty
- boast about his new tooth coming in
- kinda army crawl
- make a LOT of noise!

First Mother's Day

It's my first Mother's Day! Holy smokes it snuck up on me. Aaron bought me soda, chocolate, and Skylanders to celebrate, plus both he and Killian got me cards. Killian's daycare made me a footprint flower too. I also got a steak and cheese omelet, homemade, time to vacuum, a shower, and a bit of reading time. I also partially cleaned our gutters! Woot! How did everyone else celebrate the day?

Still in the Grip of Postpartum Depression...but Healing!

So, I never really thought it'd happen to me, but I guess since it runs in the family, I should have been more aware at an earlier stage. The lack of recent posting has been due largely to my inability to enjoy much lately. Why can't I enjoy anything? Well I am simply racked with guilt every time I try to do something just for me. If it isn't for Killian, I feel as though I am slacking off and being a terrible parent. When I do things for Killian, I am overwhelmed with what all MUST be accomplished. Enjoying much more than a TV show has seemed like a task that is difficult to accomplish. I wake each morning with a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I dare to believe will eventually disappear. This is the best way to describe what I feel, though I'm not sure that words do justice to what I am going through mentally. It's embarrassing too, given how much I wanted to be a parent and how fiercely I love my child.

So what do we do with a saddened, anxiety-riddled Valerie? We go to the doctor to learn what's going on! The doctor did indeed confirm my suspicions: I have postpartum depression. What do we do about it? Well, sadly I am now on medication to help that pit of despair go away. The doctor also suggested some counseling, since it might be a good idea to talk about what has me so tied up in knots of "can't have fun." I have not sought that part out just yet because part of me feels that having to go talk to someone would stress me out more.

I hate that I am a statistic now. One of a million mothers who can't seem to cope. But I could count myself as a statistic with or without the depression, someone with it or someone who didn't fall victim. I am thankful for my family's support while I learn to deal and to take things a little easier. It's been suggested that things will look better to me once I stop breastfeeding, which I hope to continue until September when Killian turns one.

But, there is a silver lining. I am willing to say that I am getting better. That pit in my stomach that I mentioned isn't so deep or angry or bitter and scary. I am able to enjoy a few more things. I'm starting to return to reading a bit. Killian is not as stressful to me as he once was and I truly am able to enjoy playing with him a bit more than I used to. I guess the meds are working, which is a good thing. I notice myself laughing again, seeking things to try to enjoy, and genuinely loving time with friends and family where once that was a source of stress. The climb to wellness is perhaps not as steep as I thought it was.

I'd best get going since the Kiddo is calling. I am willing to confirm that he says, "Mama" now! :)

Coming to terms with depression

It has taken me a while to finally recognize a truth about myself: I need to seek treatment for postpartum depression.

My immediate reaction to writing that is "just get over it." But that's the thing, I can't! I don't enjoy much in life anymore. Reading, games, movies: they all used to hold joy for me and no longer appeal. Trying to enjoy them leaves me feeling guilty, like I need to do something worthwhile or work on the house or fix something for Killian or whatever. It's not a pleasant thing.

How did I learn I had it? I had spring break off and couldn't think of a single enjoyable thing to do on the days Lillian was at daycare. I am lethargic all the time and can't relax. When I do get to sleep, I conk out hard then can't sleep the rest of the night.

So what, right? So I need some help I guess. I am going to the doctor because according to those wiser than me, I am not producing enough seratonin and need to get some soon.

I think that school switching to year-round is stressful although I am looking forward to it. Preparing things for Killian is stressful, although it is necessary and I love him more than I can say!

It all boils down to needing a little help to get over the hump. I know many women go through this, get help and are beautiful mothers as a result of seeking help. I just need to be one of those I guess.

Sorry for the depressing post, but it's real, will help me learn to help myself, and I hope that someone out there reading this gets it and is perhaps better for knowing they aren't alone either.

I leave you with a picture of my reason for living and wanting to return to enjoying my life: Killian!

6 Whole Months Old!

New in our world:

• Killian's love of jumping
• Still deciding that rolling over isn't a priority (though he can if he wants to)
• Sleeping fairly well, when not experiencing a growth spurt
• Eating foods (Avocado is still the favorite, followed closely by apple, sweet potatoes, peas, and carrots. Also enjoying bananas, green beans, and the occasional bite of squash)
• Lots of talking
• Our first few dining out experiences (Joe's Crab Shack, Uncle Bob's, Bravo, Smokey Row, and Donut Hut)
• A visit from Luther Aunties Steph and Kathryn
• New photos: