Still in the Grip of Postpartum Depression...but Healing!

So, I never really thought it'd happen to me, but I guess since it runs in the family, I should have been more aware at an earlier stage. The lack of recent posting has been due largely to my inability to enjoy much lately. Why can't I enjoy anything? Well I am simply racked with guilt every time I try to do something just for me. If it isn't for Killian, I feel as though I am slacking off and being a terrible parent. When I do things for Killian, I am overwhelmed with what all MUST be accomplished. Enjoying much more than a TV show has seemed like a task that is difficult to accomplish. I wake each morning with a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I dare to believe will eventually disappear. This is the best way to describe what I feel, though I'm not sure that words do justice to what I am going through mentally. It's embarrassing too, given how much I wanted to be a parent and how fiercely I love my child.

So what do we do with a saddened, anxiety-riddled Valerie? We go to the doctor to learn what's going on! The doctor did indeed confirm my suspicions: I have postpartum depression. What do we do about it? Well, sadly I am now on medication to help that pit of despair go away. The doctor also suggested some counseling, since it might be a good idea to talk about what has me so tied up in knots of "can't have fun." I have not sought that part out just yet because part of me feels that having to go talk to someone would stress me out more.

I hate that I am a statistic now. One of a million mothers who can't seem to cope. But I could count myself as a statistic with or without the depression, someone with it or someone who didn't fall victim. I am thankful for my family's support while I learn to deal and to take things a little easier. It's been suggested that things will look better to me once I stop breastfeeding, which I hope to continue until September when Killian turns one.

But, there is a silver lining. I am willing to say that I am getting better. That pit in my stomach that I mentioned isn't so deep or angry or bitter and scary. I am able to enjoy a few more things. I'm starting to return to reading a bit. Killian is not as stressful to me as he once was and I truly am able to enjoy playing with him a bit more than I used to. I guess the meds are working, which is a good thing. I notice myself laughing again, seeking things to try to enjoy, and genuinely loving time with friends and family where once that was a source of stress. The climb to wellness is perhaps not as steep as I thought it was.

I'd best get going since the Kiddo is calling. I am willing to confirm that he says, "Mama" now! :)

Coming to terms with depression

It has taken me a while to finally recognize a truth about myself: I need to seek treatment for postpartum depression.

My immediate reaction to writing that is "just get over it." But that's the thing, I can't! I don't enjoy much in life anymore. Reading, games, movies: they all used to hold joy for me and no longer appeal. Trying to enjoy them leaves me feeling guilty, like I need to do something worthwhile or work on the house or fix something for Killian or whatever. It's not a pleasant thing.

How did I learn I had it? I had spring break off and couldn't think of a single enjoyable thing to do on the days Lillian was at daycare. I am lethargic all the time and can't relax. When I do get to sleep, I conk out hard then can't sleep the rest of the night.

So what, right? So I need some help I guess. I am going to the doctor because according to those wiser than me, I am not producing enough seratonin and need to get some soon.

I think that school switching to year-round is stressful although I am looking forward to it. Preparing things for Killian is stressful, although it is necessary and I love him more than I can say!

It all boils down to needing a little help to get over the hump. I know many women go through this, get help and are beautiful mothers as a result of seeking help. I just need to be one of those I guess.

Sorry for the depressing post, but it's real, will help me learn to help myself, and I hope that someone out there reading this gets it and is perhaps better for knowing they aren't alone either.

I leave you with a picture of my reason for living and wanting to return to enjoying my life: Killian!

6 Whole Months Old!

New in our world:

• Killian's love of jumping
• Still deciding that rolling over isn't a priority (though he can if he wants to)
• Sleeping fairly well, when not experiencing a growth spurt
• Eating foods (Avocado is still the favorite, followed closely by apple, sweet potatoes, peas, and carrots. Also enjoying bananas, green beans, and the occasional bite of squash)
• Lots of talking
• Our first few dining out experiences (Joe's Crab Shack, Uncle Bob's, Bravo, Smokey Row, and Donut Hut)
• A visit from Luther Aunties Steph and Kathryn
• New photos:

Botanical Gardens

Steph an Kathryn came to visit and we stopped by the Botanical Center! See the pretties?