Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving! Here is what I am thankful for:

• My parents, Joan, Tim, Rick, Shelly, and Jack. I have received so much love and support from these great people that I can never express enough gratitude. They have shaped the person I am today and continue to provide wonderful opportunities to learn and grow.
• My brother and sister. I don't get to see them nearly as often as I wish or talk nearly as often as we should, but I can't imagine many people that I love more than Kira and Trey.
• My extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and honorary family members, all over the U.S. I love them so dearly.
• My friends. They are too numerous to list and I am so thankful that no matter how many miles separate us, I am still able to connect with them when it is most important as though no time has passed at all.
• My home that I am lucky enough to own.
• My job that I do actually love, despite gripings that suggest otherwise.
• My boss who seriously rocks and colleagues who genuinely care about students.
• Netflix and DVR which allow me to stay up to day and/or catch up on things I've missed.
• Books. I love to read! I am thankful that I am able to read, though I do not have nearly enough time and energy to read everything I want.
• Money. I have just enough to do what I need to do and on occasion, do something a bit more.
• My brain and body. I am happy that they work (most days), are healthy, and that they enable me to do great things when I really set my mind to it.
• My amazing husband Aaron Robinson. He never fails to be what I need him to be: a comedian, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to talk to, a heart to love, an amazing father, the perfect husband.
• My son, Killian. I am learning so much from my little boy. I am growing and changing just as much and as quickly as he is. I believe that through Aaron and Killian, I am finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.

Here are some cutes!

First Thanksgiving!

Mommy is thankful for him too!

What's New!

So it's been a bit since my last post. What's new in the Robinson Family World?

• Killian got his first round of vaccinations! Yikes! Momma hated it! He screamed, but I gave him his bink and he calmed down fairly fast. Then he ZONKED out on the way home and for most of the night. Yes, I said "bink." Aaron and I have grudgingly decided to let him use it more, since it does calm him down faster than we can sometimes.
• Killian is FULL of boogers! Both Aaron and I had colds a few weeks ago, which I think we passed to Lil Man. He HATES that bulb syringe that we use to suck his nose clear and cries like we're back at the doctor for more vaccinations when I use it. Sometimes, the amount of booger I can suck out with that thing reminds me of when you see a clown pulling scarves out of their mouth: when will it end?
• Killian smiles! No longer will it be blamed on gas! They are genuine smiles people.
• Killian talks! He communicates through crying, yes, but has also added vowel sounds to his range of vocal talents. His "ooh" and "ahh" make me giggle. He also has this higher pitched "hah-oh" sound that is precious. He is most smiley and talkative in the morning. It's nice that our conversations are not nearly as one-sided as they once were.
• Killian can laugh! Ok, it only happened once really, but it was a laugh. He kind of chuckled and I can't even remember what I did to make it happen, but I was wicked excited. No laughs since, but it was pretty awesome.
• Killian HATES tummy-time! Seriously, he shows off the strength of his lungs more than the strength of his neck muscles when you put him on his belly. That is unless you put him on his belly on YOUR belly, which may yield some grumping, but then usually some cuddles and/or sleeping.
• Killian is a fashion plate! The child has more clothes than I do, and potentially more than his father and me combined! Grandma and Grandpa Lehs are the culprits most often, but they get him so many cute things! I told Aaron that I debated whether or not to wash Killian's clothes because he has so many (alas, we lack enough pants and socks for that). I actually had to take the clothes OUT of the 12+ drawer to make more room for all of the other things. It doesn't help that I bought a lot of clothes during the summer, which means short sleeves, and it's getting colder, which requires longer sleeves.

With all that's new in Killian's life, you might wonder what's up with Aaron and I. Well, Aaron is currently playing Xbox (Assassin's Creed) and I am busy with work and attempting to listen to my new audiobook. We are trying to figure out Christmas when it comes to all of our new financial responsibilities, which means it will likely be a sparse year. Aaron continues to impress me with his fathering (not like I'm surprised), by taking Killian when he knows I need a break or washing bottles and diapers when I ask. Parenthood is definitely a team effort. TTFN readers!

What I love about my little boy...

Since it's November, I thought I'd write about the things for which I am thankful. Killian is chief among them, however, there is so much to this complex little person that I have to list all of the little things that make me so grateful for him. Here goes:

Killian, I am thankful for:

• your smiles, the ones when you're about to fall asleep and your new awake smiles.
• our cuddles in the morning before "school."
• your fingers wrapped around mine.
• those thrashing little arms and kicking little legs (despite your punching me on occasion).
• the way you try to pull closer when we nurse.
• how you "Cuddle up, Cuddlebug" on my shoulder.
• the little "oohs," "ahhs," and coos you are starting to make more often.
• the color of your eyes.
• your beautiful eyelashes.
• the fact that you prefer Momma to a bottle.
• the Juno soundtrack that seems to calm you down in the car.
• the sound of your cry, even as it breaks my heart, because it means you're here and you need me.
• how I don't even mind being pooped, peed, drooled, boogered, and puked on, so long as it is coming from you.
• the way you're changing my day-to-day life by making Mommy a better planner, helping me learn to live a little more and worry a little less about the small stuff, and assisting my shift from uber-Type A personality to semi-Type A personality.

When you read this someday Baby Boy, know that no matter whatever has stressed me out, worried me, scared me, etc. I want no other boy than you because you are perfect. From head to toe, you are my little angel and I'd change nothing about you. "You're amazing, just the way you are."

Here's the song that Momma sings while she rocks you to sleep at night:

A Sad Complication with Motherhood...

I apologize for the disorganization of this blog post. I'm writing from a very emotional place right now, so be warned and stop reading if you think you'll be offended. You can call me juvenile for blogging about it if you chose to, but writing has always been my release and I don't believe that burying my feelings will help me move on. You can call me pitiful if you want, because the following blog may indeed resemble a pity party, but it's my blog filled with my words to help me release my pain. I'll try to keep it as clean as possible.

I guess I always knew that motherhood meant making sacrifices. I've sacrificed my body, any sense of a personal schedule, time alone, money spent on selfish/me things, etc. However, in the past week I've learned of another sacrifice I never knew I'd encounter on this journey: relationships. Let me preface the rest of this blog by saying Aaron and I are just fine. I believe that caring for Killian has brought us closer because we are making strides to communicate better about our needs and feelings. This is great! Also I feel it is important to say that though I've been confronted with a harsh reality, I love my son so much I can hardly see straight sometimes. I guess maybe I forget that others don't care nearly as much as I do.

Most of my close friends know that last week was really rough for me. I'll spare the details since they've gotten me in trouble once already and resulted in my humiliation and the requirement to edit/censor my blog and Facebook (which feels so very junior high, but is for protection now). Those who care know what went do and why I'm struggling so much right now. Thank you so much to those who have stood up for me and called or written their support. Another complication that I assume is associated with motherhood and last week's drama has emerged now: I've lost two friends. I'm not sure how or even why.

Ever since moving to Des Moines over five years ago, making friends has been really hard. I have some great friends that I met in college who I love more than I can say, but they are far away, which makes DSM a little lonely at times. I made one very close friend while working at the bookstore as well, and that makes me so deeply happy because she rocks! I've always been a hard worker and tend to put getting work done over going out and socializing, so I know that I've made it hard for myself, but that's just the person I am. I was always the girl who got her homework done on Friday night so the rest of the weekend was mine and then didn't get to hang out because other people waited until Sunday night to rush to finish their work.

I've always felt a little on the outside of things, socially awkward if you will, and like I'm always trying to catch up to the "cool kids." This stems all the way back to middle school when I moved to Iowa in the middle of eighth grade. I never felt like I fit in with the kids in my school because I didn't grow up with them, though I do have a few with whom I am close (and I LOVE them dearly) and a few others with whom I've reconnected through the lovely world of Facebook. Even at work today, I feel like I'm missing the bonds that could have formed because I started a few days behind the majority of staff. Even staff that started after me seem to join the "cool" ranks quickly and leave me sitting on the outside.

The friendships I've lost in the past week or so were still in the initial phases, but they showed promise to blossom into something bigger in the future. We were making plans to hang out more prior to Killian's arrival. We'd been out on the town as a group. Then Kiddo came and things changed, obviously, and they had to change. I'm not upset about that at all. I am upset because I don't get why thigns changed so abruptly!

I feel very 4th grade saying that I was saddened to be "unfriended" and even "blocked" on FB by the people I was attempting to foster relationships with. I think I'm hurt because I'm not sure what it was that caused the change. Sadly the loss of these two friends may now throw another friendship into peril as we were a part of another circle of pals. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, so I will likely be the person cut/snipped/dumped from this group as well.  Let's examine the possible reasons for my losses:

• Perhaps it's because all of my thoughts and conversations center around my life with Killian now and people are bored with hearing about it and choose to no longer include me in conversations around the lunch table.
• If you're one of these people, feel free to "unfriend" me and stop reading my blog. I can't believe how ostracizing motherhood has started to feel and I will NOT regret having a child just because others are disenchanted with parenthood or mothers who talk about their babies. It's hard not to talk about it when your life is consumed by it and finding 10 minutes of alone time is so rare. Talking about my son or my life with my son may seem pretty self-absorbed to others, but there is no way to separate my life from his right now.
• If you don't want to know the truth about how things are going or how I am doing, don't ask me. I don't believe in lying about it. I will tell you both what I love and what I hate about my new role as a mother because it is not always sunshine and daisies, though when it is (which is more often than not) it's completely amazing. Just today I looked a Killian and cried for the beauty of the little precious angel sleeping in my arms. I also cried an hour later when he cried and I couldn't get him to calm down. I cry at 2am when he won't go to sleep and I'm exhausted beyond words and I cry when I see him smile and know that I had something to do with putting it there.
• Perhaps it stems from the discomfort others are feeling around me now that I'm a nursing mother and I'm fairly open about it.
• I will do my part to not flaunt my nursing/pumping because I now realize that others are not nearly as comfortable and open about it. I will shut my mouth where it needs to be shut and hide what needs hidden about my current status, but I'm not going to be sorry that I nurse my son because it is the most beautiful thing in the world. In fact, I'd love to STOP stressing out about stressing others out since said stress has actually made it HARDER to nurse and pump for Killian.
• FYI - stress causes a decrease in milk production. One of the most terrifying things in my life right now is my milk production, how it's dropping, how that will affect Killian, and how I just want to do right by my baby. It is a fountain of stress honestly, thinking about whether or not he's eating enough, if I'm producing enough, etc. Seriously, everything I eat while I am at work is only to help INCREASE production, from drinking copious amounts of "mother's milk" tea, taking garlic supplements, eating my weight in almonds, munching protein bars, drinking nearly a gallon of water daily, eating oatmeal for at least one meal a day, drinking ginger ale, etc...
• Breastfeeding and pumping are still less stressful in my mind than supplementing my child with formula though, for those who may suggest to me that formula is the answer to all my issues here. I also don't wish to lose the beautiful bond that Kiddo and I have through nursing. It's just too precious to me considering all of the other things I have and will have to sacrifice during motherhood. I'm going to keep this, selfishly, as long as I am able to do so (within reason people; I don't want to be breastfeeding a child who comes over and lifts my shirt on his own for a drink or who can articulate complete sentences).
• Perhaps I said something I shouldn't have or stepped on the wrong toes and caused offense.
• I've been known to unwittingly ruffle feathers or "step in it" without intention. Sometimes it happens verbally, sometimes it happens on here where I deem it safe to vent. I am assuming it is my venting that has caused the largest issue of late.

These are the only reasons I can see, though I'm sure there may be others. I'd like to retract whatever it was that I did/said in order to repair the relationships I've lost, but it's hard when I'm not sure where I went wrong. Since there is little hope of ever figuring it out, I guess I'll have to chalk it up to "Valerie screwed up" and move on, try to start again on some new friendships. Maybe other mothers are the best place to begin and I can build on relationships that are somewhat there but could be stronger. Maybe I did this to a new mother at some point. If I did and you're reading this, the depths of my sincere apology are hard to express appropriately. Motherhood changes everything. It is overwhelming and all-consuming; I fully understand that now...

Could this blog post sound any more depressing? Nothing about my current situation or this blog is helping the PPD go away. Seriously, I need a good shaking. Mom, I know you'd tell me that this is one of those times where I need to grab myself by the throat and throw myself against the wall to knock some sense into myself. I know that I am a kickass friend. I know that I am worth the effort that it may take to spend time with me now that Killian is here. I know that there are more people out there who care about me than the two who have decided I'm not worth their time. I also know the being Killian's mother is the most important relationship right now and if others don't understand all that being a mother implies, then perhaps it's not worth my extremely limited personal time.

So what does it all boil down to? I'm hurt because I know I'm worth the effort, especially when I'm willing to give back as much as others put in, it just may take me a bit more time now. I wish I understood. Maybe when they become mothers, if they choose to do so, they will understand. I certainly would not wish the loss of friendship due to motherhood on anyone though, since new mothers especially need supportive people around them.

I'll leave my readers with this. The following is a news article that was shared by a fellow mother in which a reader writes in about not understanding why mothers don't have time to call/visit. I was going to upload a video of Killian's first on-camera smile, but it's not loading for some reason, so please visit my FB page to see it because it is SO SWEET!

To all of the mothers and will-be-mothers-someday out there, I've got your back!

Much love to you all,
Valerie (and Killian)


Read this before you question whether or not a parent (new or not) is ignoring you...

Pictures of Cute

Let's start this post with a picture of Killian's first day at "school."

Yes, he's throwing gang signs. In Danielle's words, "Yo, homie, watchu lookin' at? Let's do this...get my azz to daycare, bioooootch!" Sounds about right...

Thanks to Aunt Sara for the "costume" and to Austin Powers for inspiring my son to throw up a "Dr. Evil finger."

His first day...

Yesterday, at 6:20, I began to bawl my eyes out as I took Killian to "school" (aka. day care) for the first time. I start back to work tomorrow, but I had to go to the doctor for my "yep you can go back to work" check-up yesterday and the more I thought about it, the more I decided that having him start at day care a day or two early would be a good idea. One, it will help me get accustomed to a new morning routine that involves clothes OTHER than my pajamas and going back to bed. Two, I need to get used to him not being constantly around me, get the tears out a bit now so I'm not such a sobbing mass when I go back to work. Three, it will help him get acclimated to the people and the environment a bit. And four, if there are any major issues I can hopefully get them worked out in the first few days while I have time to do so, like buying him more clothes or diapers to keep there or going in to feed him a bottle if he won't take it from them.

I cried the whole way there! It was awful. When I pulled up to the place, the lights were all off! OMG! I thought they opened at 6:30am! Well, they do, but I was a couple of minutes early. Then, when I went in, his classroom was completely dark! Where was his teacher? I tracked down the lady I'd seen unlock the door (just the next room over) and introduced myself and Killian, saying we were starting today. It turns out that Killian's teacher doesn't get in until 7:30, but they have one staff member come in at 6:30, then another at 7:00. I both understand and am frustrated by this. Killian is so little, I don't want him to be around SO MANY kids and potentially get all of their germs! I do get it though, that with costs being what they are, they can't afford to have EVERY staff member come in right at 6:30. Still, it's a bit of a grrrr situation.

After I left him with the three-year-old teacher and other kiddos, I cried the whole way to school. I didn't have to go in, but I did need to pick up some papers that I was being given by my sub. I stayed at FP for over an hour, just kind chatting with folks and getting hugs for the pitiful expression I must have had on my face. After FP, I ran to Target to pick up a humidified because it seems that Killian is developing the cold that both Aaron and I have had and we can't give him anything for it. On the way to Target, I called the day care to talk to his teacher to see if she found the note I'd left and had any questions for me. She was so sweet and totally put my mind at ease. I came home for a bit then, pumped and watched some TV before running out to West DSM for my doctor's appointment. Everything looked good and we got this cute little shirt for Killian that says, "I got my first hug from Dr. Booth." Dr. Booth delivered Killian. I guess every family gets one, but it was super cute and something I'll keep for him forever (along with every other item of too-cute-to-get-rid-of clothing). The best news was the doctor told me I was ok to start freezing milk again. THANK THE LORD!

After the doctor, I ran to HR to drop of my paperwork saying I'd been cleared to return to work and then tried to drive across town to see how long it would take me to get from FP to the day care. I stopped to get the batteries in my watch replaced (finally) and drop off my prescriptions at the pharmacy. As soon as I got home, I started dumping milk into my freezer bags. I made seven (that's right, 7!) of them and the fridge no longer looks like the place pumped milk goes to die (ie. a graveyard of milk bottles).

I piked up the house a bit, did a load of laundry and a load of diapers, and chilled until I just couldn't stand it anymore and I drove back to school to pick up my little boy. He was wide awake, gripping a set of those linking rings, and in his teacher's arms when I walked in. I started to cry again as I took him from Tonya (his teacher). She said he had a great day! He did have a diaper leak on his clothes, but he ate well and at almost exactly 3.0 hours intervals, had three naps (2x45 minutes and 1 for an hour) and had done a great job. His other teacher Katie said, "He's my little buddy! I need a nickname for him!" I was so happy to hear that. He fell asleep on my shoulder while I talked with his teachers for 20 minutes or so, then we went home. He fussed a bit, but I held him, cuddled him, and let his sleep on the boppy on my lap until he was hungry again. Oh, I love my little man SOOOOOOOOOO much and I'm so glad he did so well.

This morning, although I was a bit more at ease, it was still very hard to leave him, but I know he's going to be well looked after and that by 4:00pm, I'll see him again. I'm planning to spend this last day home taking care of some of my needs. I'm getting my hair done and potentially buying myself some new jeans, since all of mine look like clown pants for the most part. TTFN readers!

Tomorrow's the Big Day...

Ok, I am both looking forward to and near in tears about tomorrow. My baby boy will start at day care tomorrow. I will be staying home (or doing a LOT of running around) while he goes. Aaron and I made the decision to start him a few days early for a few reasons. One, I have my post-natal check-up tomorrow and it will be easier to go to the doctor without Killian potentially screaming or needing to nurse while there. Two, I have a few days until I start work again, so if there are any issues, I should be able to help deal with them. And three, Momma is going to need to get used to having someone else take care of her little boy.

That's the part that I think will tear me up the most. I know that Aaron and I have chosen a great day care and that these people know what they are doing. He will be in great hands. The thing is, those hands aren't mine. I feel he's safest in my hands (control-freak Momma talking). For as frustrating as being a new mom has been, I wouldn't have it any other way (ok, maybe a bit easier, but you get the idea). Killian is the light of my days, and on occasion my nights, LOL! I'm not sure I remember what to do when my life isn't dominated by a nurse-change-nurse-rock/sleep cycle that repeats every three hours or so. Some days have been harder than others, some days I was in tears, got pooped/peed/puked on (like this morning), but I still had this precious little angel in my arms! What do I do when someone else is in charge and, even more alarmingly, he's not even here? When Aaron is taking care of him, or a friend/family member is holding him, I'm still around to help. Tomorrow and Thursday, I can GO help, but on Friday, time's up! I'll be at work again and that's that! Oh man, my eyes are welling with tears as I type thinking about it.

I'm preparing this "introduction to Killian" sheet for daycare, to try to pass on what I know about his habits and needs, but I feel like I'm still learning them. What can I say? Keep him upright after feedings so you don't get the milk-explosion of all milk-explosions. Don't forget to treat his thrush please. He likes nature noises to help fall asleep, which he CONSTANTLY is fighting. He loves to be held. He takes a break while nursing/eating, usually to poop, so don't change him immediately unless you want to do it again a few minutes later. I feel like I'm writing his how-to guide, but I can't put into words how special he is, how precious his little fingers and toes are, how if you watch closely he smiles when he's going to sleep in your arms. My baby is so special to me, but he's about to go to "school" with other babies who are special to their parents too. My little boy won't be any more special than those other babies to his care givers. I guess I will just have to spoil him when I pick him up.

The benefits of Killian going to day care is that perhaps, it will create a bit more of a schedule. I'm sure I'll be exhausted this first month or so, getting both he and I on the schedule, but hey, in a month it will be almost Thanksgiving Break and I can sleep it off then, right? I will be able to return to the world of social interaction as well as mental stimulation. I'll have conversations consisting of more than long vowel sounds, too.

I think he knows something's up too. Momma's been pretty emotional this whole time we've been together, but toward the end of last week it hit pretty hard that our time together was limited. The past two mornings, he's thrown up quite a bit. Now, it's likely something in my diet or the Nystatin upsetting his tummy, but part of me wonders if he's picking up on my anxiety or somehow finding ways to cuddle with me more (via needing to nurse after he empties his belly onto my shoulder, the bed, and the floor). I know he's not old enough to "manipulate" things yet, but still, I wonder...

I have to plan my next two days carefully so that I am both busy and well-rested. Here are some sample agenda items for Wednesday and Thursday: go to doctor, try on clothes to determine which are too large to be considered a part of my wardrobe, use Kohl's giftcard from birthday sparingly to purchase a few replacement items, stop by Motherhood for nursing materials, sterilize all bottles and pump parts, vacuum (oh man does it need done and am I excited! That's not sarcasm, I <3 vacuuming!), organize our file drawers and safe, replace batteries in dead watch, buy more ring "snuggers," try not to obsess over my child, print a few pictures to take to work and buy a frame, read something not Berenstain Bears (ie. my Private series conclusion, finish Malice, and start Power of Six), wash our diapers and contemplate buying another Flip system for home/day care, get hair done on Thursday, attempt to go in to work to get the torch passed back to me for Friday, PUMP PUMP PUMP to maintain my supply! I think that should be enough to fill one day I guess. What will I do on Thursday then (other than my hair and work...)???

Hasta luego from this stressed and saddened Mommy...